The seriously serious from the most sarcastic.

 I have been MIA lately. In blog, in happiness, in life. I have a few humbling admissions to make and I am venting for myself more than anything. But also if it helps anyone else in a funk I am glad to commiserate. I have been in a bit of a hole for a while. Even the happiest smile may have real life issues they dwell on when they lay their head down at night. Being a rock for my family has always come first and foremost. I do it like it's my job. Because it is. And then sometimes life piles shovel full after shovel full of shit on your doorstep and you can't just simply sweep it away and keep smiling. Sometimes you stop answering the door. Sometimes you don't want to get out of bed. I have been pretty deeply depressed inside my heart for a while. I will tell you why. And what I am doing about it. Mostly to hold myself accountable and make myself figure it all out the right way.

1. ADULT BULLIES ARE REAL. I have had a constant irritant in my life for several years now. Even the strongest person can only ignore so much and keep their chin up. Lies and manipulations for sheer sport really are things that some sick grown ups find amusing. Not all authority can protect you from an adult bully. Because grown ups should be just that. Grown the fuck up. Adult bullies have some screws loose in my opinion and really get off on making others feel badly. Its disgusting and shameful and I personally have been dealing with it from one source on so many angles for so many years that it stated to just feel normal. But in reality it is an actual stress in my life. I am not saying they win. I am saying they are the biggest type of loser. And I can protect myself by getting counseling about how it all makes me feel. And adults who bully should get help about their own feelings instead of lashing out and making others uncomfortable. I do know it must come from jealousy, self loathing, paranoia, and a very low self esteem. But that doesn't make it right for anyone to reach out in evil ways to contact with hate or malice. No person at any age should target someone with hate and slander. Even when you know for certain that none of the information being spewed is based on fact, it does not make it less hurtful or confusing or upsetting. It is harassment and some bullying can require legal action. If you or someone you know is a victim on adult bullying here are some links with more info. http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/adult-bullying.html     http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/oregon.html 
2. EVERYONE GETS OLD AND EVERYONE HAS TO DEAL WITH DYING. My dad isn't well. He has been slowing fighting all of the diagnosis he has ever been given. His life has been so full of amazing moments and stories that in my heart of hearts I know he has lived more than a thousand lives put together. He has been my best friend my whole life and I would be lost without him. And so, I am already feeling lost without him. His mind has started to go a while ago. We had to move him into a senior living facility where he is very well looked after. I just miss him being right downstairs where I can bring him a snack if I want to. And I worry Aidan won't really have great memories of his love. We now know when forever is supposedly predicted to end. That is too much for my heart. Though he has been the man who beats all the odds has outlasted a few things so far, I still have a heavy heart about it. 
3. BEING A SPECIAL NEEDS PARENT TOTALLY BLOWS. For so many reasons really. I could choose any of them to dwell on. But the kicker recently is the wall we face with therapies. I have been  fighting the good fight and applying for everything under the sun to help the boy. But we are that horrible middle ground. That financial bracket that can barely survive right now. The crossroads of  "do I work just to pay for daycare?" and "We don't qualify for state assistance". I have never been in a place like this. When you are a single person you can make unique sacrifices to make ends meet or choose happiness/sanity in the way of forgoing a new pair of shoes so you can go to a movie with a friend. I miss the days that those were my stresses with money. Today we are looking at the dollar amounts for special needs swim lessons or gymnastics and feeling like it's just so unfair because we choose groceries. It's a constant sadness this category. I wish I could give Aidan the moon and I wish it would fix something. 
4. THAT MOMENT WHEN YOUR PLATE OVERFLOWS. And you lose your shit. And you cry. And you feel worthless and judged and weak and miserable because all those things point back to you not cutting it as a human. Sometimes you can't delegate feelings. And you can't punch some coward cyber lurking asshole in the face. And you can't make your son "normal". And you can grow the best fucking garden in the world to sit and cry in. And it still doesn't help.

 So then what?


You can dig a giant hole and get in it. Or you can completely scare yourself with all your thoughts and feelings and you can tell on yourself. Tell your husband and worry he will look at you like you are weak and pitiful. But he won't. He will cry and hold you because he is sad you are so sad. And you can call your sister. And know that she doesn't even need all the details to wish she was there to hold you and feel all the things with you. And you can tell your friend. Who will come over immediately and let you fall apart, reminding you she would kill anyone who ever makes you feel this way. And you can start seeing a therapist even if you hate the idea because you know you need an unbiased person to remind you that you are important and valid.



 You have to tell someone something to even start feeling better. It's the only way to undo the thoughts of all the bads and sads. I promise.

 If you or someone you know is in need of help for depression please call. 

Oregon

1-888-232-7192

Anywhere

1-800-273-TALK 

 

Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha -changes

  This morning I cracked open the laptop for the first time in god knows how long. This old beast has been crashing on me lately so I choose my time spent interwebbing wisely if I need anything without mobile ease or accessibility. While I can do a nice long blog entry via voice text on the apple contraption, this feels like blogging. Also, I am currently here in my sweet new space called the Mom Den. A redecorating project of love and joy and also sadness because it was the room my sister lived in for the last few years ( since we bought the house ) and I miss her something fierce. She didn't die, she moved to Nashville which is exactly 1,976 miles away. This room had to change immediately because a cold empty void probably would have depressed me to no end and Aidan would have been a wreck. Thus, the Mom Den was born out of so many needs. One being my own zone which I truly feel is important to a Mom. We can't even pee without company. So any area of escape if possible just for a few moments of silence and alone time is like the most cherished treasure. Not even joking. Moms you feel me right?

 So, I opened up my social world this morning and saw three different messages that caught me one after the other and sent me into a full blown ugly cry of overwhelming love and appreciation. I do not cry. But the words from these few, perhaps even in the order I read them, touched me so deeply I had the lump in my throat and the hot tears flooding my face. I am always a bit proud when it comes to my kids. And Aidan especially because of all his issues and um.......facets? He is multifaceted. Let's put it that way. But a fellow Mom from the trenches of special needs parenting was one of these voices and she full on fucking gets me. I send her all the internet high fives today because she has dealt with her grab bag of bullshit mixed with joy for 20 years!! I applaud that because Aidan being 20 years old seems like eons away right now. You are my hero too. Another friend from IG sent me love and kindness this morning after reading my blog, which led me to check my blog which led me to the above gal which made me want to update my Facebook status and I was left without a proper set of words to describe feelings which led me to a FB message of love and kudos which made me come back and blog it out. ::sigh:: I feel like I really needed this right now at this exact point in time. I keep swimming and keep up "normal" as best I can. I don't expect any pats on the back for doing what I am supposed to be doing. That is life. You just get your shit done and live. But every once in a while if somebody says "good job" it does make me weep because this is really fucking hard you guys.

 I have not done the lists in a long time but I think it's a day for it.

 The Shitty Stuff

•   I miss my sister so much.
•   My Dad is sick again. Worse than last time.
•   I wish I could buy Aidan age appropriate imaginative toys for a 4-5 year old instead of sensory toys to combat stimming.
•  Some lady in our HOA is trying to make us get rid of our Chickens.
• I put a few stress lbs back on 
• Money is the root of all evil.

The Good Stuff

• My sis is with the love of her life and her awesome future is in full swing.
• My Dad can still wrestle Aidan
• I am the wizard of craigslist and my redecorating project for the whole downstairs cost me less that 50$ 
• I am healthy. My Husband and kids are healthy.
• Most people are still generally good inside with good intentions. Most. 

 Also, I will be damned if anyone has a say in my chicken keeping. Good luck to anyone attempting to change my awesome Feltifarm. My flock, my business. 

What if you don't have anything nice to say for a really long time?

  A friend asked me the other night why I don't blog anymore. I told her I was trying really hard to practice the old " if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" thing. When life has been pretty negative I feel like I can get trapped in a pattern of just bitching my verbal vomit out here. So, looking back I now see that I lose followers and my dear friends start to worry when it's been more than a month between posts. Because I tried something new. Being quiet. For the record I hate being quiet. And for the record her reply was "Why? Just go back to being you. I people can't handle it. Fuck em."

  Though I rant plenty I don't air all my dirty laundry here. There are novels I could write about voldemort and yes she has reared her ugly head bad nose job and seriously questionable hairstyles a lot lately. But I am sort of tired of dishing out that same poop with a different scoop. So I don't. And really when it comes to her, I can ignore the things she does to antagonize me personally. That shit is laughable and sad. When it's the lashings out against my children I dig in with no remorse. I do draw the line there and for the most part she has been somewhat less than toxic on that front. (knock on wood that continues)

  Most of my frustrations have been with Aidan. My emotions about him have been right under the surface and without even trying friends have brought me to tears with just an inquiry. That isn't me. Or the me I like to wear out in public every day. It's not a me I care to share with the world right now in brief encounters that make me self conscious as hell. Afterwards I worry that perhaps I will be seen as not having my shit together, or weak. I don't admit it often and frankly most of you can see it clearly, I rarely have my shit totally handled but damnit if I don't take all punishing blows with as much strength as I can. Weak is something I refuse to be. I hate it. I can be sensitive and not weak. Except the last few months have me feeling helpless and in fact weak as I've ever felt. I feel small and alone. Even in a team called marriage I still feel alone. My thoughts are my own and I don't share some of the important ones enough. I don't throw out cries for help or posts for back pats. But I do need to write my feelings more than I have been about this topic especially.

  I am wholeheartedly afraid for my sons future. I am sad to think he may never marry. That he may not reach high levels of education that fulfill his happiness. That he will remain so simple. That he could possibly live at home for a very long time. I fear that I cannot keep him safe. From himself and his stupidly brave innocent choices more than any outside source of harm or manipulation. I have horrid dreams about this. His great leaps in development have also continued to show the vast pits. That divide widens every day. The contrast breaks my heart. I don't have to compare him to his peers anymore because he doesn't have any. He is his own animal of mixed ages. Regression is still present and though we celebrate the shining moments, the darkness in the corners collects all the cast off skills that may never come back but haunt me because I documented the fact that he could at one point do them. Let's just say I can't use timehop without feeling depressed 5 times out of 10.

  The stimming and humming has reached nearly intolerable levels and I crack after 6 hours of incessant sound and running. I shout now. Because I can't break through into his world otherwise. I yell "STOP!!" at him. And sometimes he will stop. Just sometimes. It makes me feel like a terrible parent to yell at him. When he is being a "regular" child and acting his social age (which is barely 2 and 1/2) I can laugh at the naughty behaviors because THAT I can handle with grace. It's Autism that is breaking me. Yes it has been difficult to live through these terrible twos for so many more years than normal. Yes it will be a relief when he starts acting 3. But my hearts hurts to wonder when that will be. Will he be 6 in body and motor skills when he is 3 in communication and social interaction? Or 8 or 9? Right now I have a 2 1/2 year old with the build of a small 5 year old and he can read and do simple addition as well as rote count to 200. But he can't understand traffic safety and would gladly stroll into oncoming traffic as you scream STOP.

  This life is currently too unpredictable on the spectrum and I am in the trenches having a hard go of it. It's hard to work. It's hard to be home. I am holding on really tightly to the things that bring me joy but I find myself shying away from interactions that could scrape the surface and make me cry. So most of my moments are solo. Which makes for a ton of deep thinking and soul searching. I know I am a tough cookie and that some people I love would like nothing more but to force social interaction to heal me but that's not my jam. And bless their heart most of them know that. So those of you that feel like your hands are tied and you can't help, trust that I understand how you feel and I love you. You weirdos who leave jars or wine on my porch are the reason I smile. Even if I don't say it the texted memes of crazy random shit are important to me. I really do have some of the best friends. I am fully heart eyed emojis all day for you.

 I do need to write more because this was therapy. Just saying words helps.

Work/ Life Balance

  This is the current status of life. I feel like I am prioritizing like a person with a new job should. But I would like to flip this cart for the sake of my sanity. Even if the portioned amounts don't change I would like to be on top ya know? What does your priority pyramid look like right now?

  Really I suppose it's more of a work, life, wife, mother and friend balance. To tell you truth I do not have it organized for shit yet. I have the work part down. I absolutely love my job. I get to nerd out all day about things I enjoy with my peers. If I took the people I adored from my times working at past jobs it would only be similar if Nordstrom and the motorcycle shop made a baby. And those are our customers too. That blend. All in all I am in my element with other people who enjoy where they are too. I couldn't ask for a better spot right now at all! So everyone cross your fingers that I get to stay there for a long while.

 Now try to add in half day morning pre-school Monday -Thursday for the boy with an early bedtime. And a dash of heavy workload for the husband. Pour in a dinner schedule that is completely falling by the wayside, two scoops of tween angst that needs motherly attention she just doesn't get anywhere else, a pinch of friend time and shake vigorously. Things are blending but just barely. I am feeling the guilt lately of spreading myself too thin. The gym has fallen to a back burner though I am still dedicated to my fitness ( 30 lbs down ya'll!!!! whoop whoop!!). The time to travel to and from the gym has become an addition I struggle with. I have to sort that out because it's part of that ME time I promised myself. Just because I enjoy my job that does not make it time allotted for me as free time. Me time equals free time, not paid time. I don't know why I have to remind myself of that fact but I do. Almost as though enjoying anything makes it less work which is soooooo not true because I enjoy my son and ohmygod he is a tough job.I miss my friends terribly and phone dates are even becoming impossible to schedule. Thank god I am not an in demand or popular social butterfly because holy crap I don't even know.


 So. How do I pepper in the things I miss? Like Bunco or lady dates or art ( last on my list but I miss it). I don't know yet but I do know how grateful I am for my friends who aren't assholes about the flake I have become. Life is hard you guys.


 In this same basket of thoughts, I have a deeper respect for my friends who work so much. And have husbands, kids, lives and social stuff to balance. I get it now. I am nowhere near the zen shit like you guys but I get it. It's ridiculous how much a no-school day can derail my whole life!!! When you get free and make it to the gym just know I am cheering you on. Because I get it. Eventually I plan to have this system running on cogs of magic and I will see you there. Hopefully soon.


 I do wonder how you all get from here ( total chaos) to there ( where you have some actual finesse to a schedule). Any tips are welcome.

Manic Monday

  What an amazingly emotional Monday. Today was our yearly evaluation with a panel made of specialist and teachers and autism experts that all know and love my boy. Same as last year at this exact time. I am scared to go back and read what I wrote about it honestly. I probably wont right now because I am reveling in all the glorious milestones Aidan had checked off his list at this meeting. The path from last year to here has been completely heart wrenching and filled to the brim with struggle. With all of those seemingly impossible hair greying stretches of insanity, watching him just be, not improve, not regress, but time standing still. There have been massive miracles. I am happy to say we finally have communicative speech at a level worth documenting with certainty of at least some permanence. Longest time period without regression. Real attempts at sharing and also showing patience and restraint. So many things to list because the pages and pages we all read over together as a group was just overwhelming.

 I cried like a tiny baby. Lump in my throat with both relief and pride through all of it. I wanted to scoop the boy up and cover him with thankful kisses every time his teacher moved on to another area of honest to goodness improvement. Each goal we made together as a team seemed actually achievable this time where as I remember feeling like "who knows" or "wouldn't that be nice" when we put pen to paper about it last year. I didn't have that same secretly pessimistic thinking I was being realistic and not allowing myself to get my hopes up sort of feelings this time. This is real. He is really doing it. And he is officially moving up the food chain into a larger ratio in the fall. Again, more crying. What I thought was a dark cloud called Kindergarten is really only a year away in the planning world. Again, more crying.

 I must have been a crying mess because I tried very hard not to wipe away tears with my hands. Mainly due to the newly discovered fact that habanero peppers will adhere a terrible terrible amount of searing capsaicin into your skin. Deeming my own hands weapons. I made peach pepper jam this morning like an idle handed idiot. So basically I added to my own tears. I digress as usual but the jam turned out amazeballs in case you were wondering.

 This meeting was one of the more important ones for me selfishly because this is the first one we walked away from overjoyed and smiling. As hard as this stuff is to live, it is epicly rewarding to hear the pride all of these women feel for my son and his accomplishments having also put in so much hard work and love into his needs. We basically all hugged and high fived.


 So raise your wine glass tonight and keep thinking happy thoughts for us. The good vibes seem to be helping fight the bad.

Pride, Patience and Positivity

 I felt in my bones that I was starting to let that dark side we've been battling get to me. I was letting it grind at my nerves and cast shadows on my mood. That shouldn't be how it is. Rarely in my whole life have I allowed anyone or anything dictate how I feel. I am not a helpless being. I am a light and happy and snarky but positive person. I can lift a friend out of a rut or shine a humorous " look on the bright side" laughing spin on most situations. I usually say " It could be worse, you could be on fire" because it's so crazy people will laugh. And the other day I had to tell it to myself. Because it's true. I NEED to count my blessings and be grateful and thankful for what I have. Aside from a good man by my side and  a daughter that is so bright naturally that she pulls A's and B's with little effort. I have a brother and sister who have my back no matter what. I have best friends like sisters and brothers from other mothers. 

 I have been wrestling with my negative mood as of the last few weeks. Basically the hits keep coming and when they are out of your control or feel cruel it's hard on a family. There is a major difference between myself and some of my friends who have had equally hard or honestly, harder things. They have God. This may sound sort of weird to some. I am a very open minded and spiritual person. I have read many many many books of faith and I can see the good points in all of them, But I can't seem to identify wholeheartedly with any. I like to hear other people talk happily about their church experiences or how faith helps their lives. I am jealous. I wish at times like this I had that light in my heart they speak of. I feel like the stress would be different. I have my friends and my family and my hobbies. My yard is my church I guess. I can lose myself in the wholesome ritual of creating something worthwhile out there. I do however envy the knit community of a church. My family was never religious and my parents offered all of us four kids the open door to seek any faith we wanted, or none if that felt better. They were both from church going families and from what I gather they might have been what is referred to as the CREASTER types ( devoted Christians and Catholics around Christmas and Easter only). I attended many services with childhood friends including one with my Vietnamese bff where they pinned a red carnation on me to symbolize my newness to the church and I struggled being the absolute only white person in there and also fighting off the urge to vomit from the food poisoning I was enduring while I sweated profusely wondering to myself why hadn't I just gone home instead of embodying everything Hollywood portrays as a white devil ironically singled out by a red flower. I did not yack, but also I was not invited to return. I digress but my point is that I have tried church and I have given God a chance. It's not my thing. At times like this I wish somewhat desperately that is was.

 As a conscious effort to fill my non-job-working moments with things that fulfill me and benefit my families situation I am setting aside my pride and asking things of people I never have before. I am asking for advice and so far have gotten some of the best feedback I ever have! Because I reached out and asked. I am asking for assistance, which is very hard for me to do. I have been the " I would rather live in a cardboard box than ask for a hand out" type all my life and have had to humble myself enough to grasp the bigger thing. It's not about just me anymore. Aidan is actually the one right now who has been suffering. He is in need of simple things like hearing tests, podiatrist visit to assess the severity of his toe-walking which can become a permanent physical impairment if not addressed, physical therapy for gross and fine motor skills, speech therapy for his delays, not to mention the swim lessons specific to special needs children that we are out of district and have to pay hundreds of bucks for if we want him to join, and my goal of a simple Zoo Pass for him to have outings this spring and summer especially when his school is not in session for long breaks. All of these things take the backseat when we are forced to be miserly and pinch pennies on a  budget. I just want him to have a shot a being normal-ish. I think that he deserves a fair shake. On average we can handle this load just fine, but recently we've hit a solid struggle and a financial drop off we've never faced before. So I am putting myself out there for odder jobs that take me away from home less, that utilize my skills and pay decently. I am reaching out to my community for a fundraiser for Aidan. I am slowing down to consider all the possibilities instead of tunneling my vision on the stresses only to be overwhelmed. And most important of all the things ever, I am keeping my chin up and making sure I laugh at the craziness of the times we are facing. Because this too shall pass. It's really only making the bond between my stepkid and I stronger. And reminding her of the knight in shining armor she has for a Daddy. Things will be better. I have always been a firm believer in putting good into the universe if you expect good in return. I cannot lose that. Everyone has a hard time at some point. Damnit, this too shall pass. 





Do you want to help? Here's how.

Do you know anyone needed wedding rings? Bride or Groom, I make them.

Are you local and want a landscape planned and planted with native species to be the best for our environment and super duper low maintenance? I know how to do that for you and can work with a budget easy peasy.

Do you need a baby nursery decorated? Maybe with a mural?

Want a painting for your home done? 

Or if you want to donate to our game plan you can do that here http://www.gofundme.com/Farming-for-Our-Autism

 No matter what, please keep posting your inspiring words about your faith and your family on Instagram and Facebook for me to read and be lifted. We don't all have the same stories or same God or same life but I do get quite a lot from you all. Makes me snap out of a funk sometimes.Thank you for that.

Try new things.

  I have been in a bit of a moody rut and as much as I like to blame the weather, it's me. I re-read my recent posts and I need to be a more positive, bright version of me. Pity parties aren't nearly as fun to read about as creativity or humor. My bad. I will buck up and be brighter I promise.

 One of my new projects is a search for products that benefit the boy. He is a picky eater now which comes with the territory I am finding. Each article I read is repeating so much of the same information that there has got to be at least a thread of truth running through it all. Gluten is rough on a kid on the spectrum. Cows milk can effect him too. We have long since cut out cows milk and he has solely been drinking Coconut Milk since 18 months and we saw a physical change we could measure and pinpoint. I am not saying I am getting crazy crunchy or vegan anytime soon. I am not cut form the cloth of a gal who can make that a household thing ( kudos to those who can though). But I can cater to the boy better. Especially if it adds protein and daily greens to his very very lacking diet. I am putting out my feelers to find actual foods first and then possibly supplements to enrich his nourishment. The brain needs to be fed if we expect progress. Reviews to follow for sure.

 Another new thing is the amount of home grown eggs we are collecting from our girls. We are up to a dozen every three days! Some may say I have gone overboard with the chickens but they have so many purposes I am thankful for. They probably the most fascinating pets I've ever owned. Besides eating all the slugs and spiders ( no joke, we are literally rid of those pests now) and giving waste that makes excellent fertilizer for the garden come spring, these hens lay an amazing food source that Aidan enjoys eating. Egg toast is one of the more predictably consumed foods. The freshest eggs we can find right here in our yard every single day. Rain, shine or even snow. So much better for him than store bought eggs by a landslide. And I think they are prettier.

( No need to adjust your monitor color. The two lower left are blueish and the rest are champagne pink tones! )

 Soon I will be partnering with the Autistic Love Society on a very special fundraising project. So many good things in the works I can feel good about.


 

Is that a wrap?

  I used to keep a journal. The spiral bound paper goodness with torn out pages and post it flags. All about Aidan. Notes upon notes of his every move. Over the years the pages turned from exclamations of excitement to worry to what I imagine a physicians notes to look like. Documenting observations. Not much else. The good side to this gloom is that I really put more and more into this space. All the magical round of applause stuff went here. And the over the top ventings went here. And that will continue. I decided to stop taking notes along the way. That notebook has been gathering dust. The harsh reality is that autism has paralyzed parts of the Mommy in me. I have a baby book that also fades out of happiness into blank pages. It has become harder and harder to write on paper with any permanence that he will read when he is big. I fear it. I have a baby book phobia. From his second Birthday page filled with a list of the guests that attended and a few pictures, that book is empty. Not because I became that mom that was just oh so busy. I'm sure that's what I told myself. But for the sake of being honest, I couldn't do it. Too much sadness in discovery. Too new and real to document and I for sure don't want his baby book, that sentimental thing you hand over when the kid is grown, to read like a doctors diagnosis. Just simply too much.

 This last year has been the best and the worst of it all. It had been like that part in Alice in Wonderland where the path ahead gets erased by that sweeper dog and she cried. When the path you are expecting to follow is removed and you have to find your own way it is crazier than what I imagine being lost at sea must be. Because on the path to god knows where, there seem to be more predators than out in open water. This year the path has changed from a five lane highway back to a set of stairs and then all the other traveling analogies I could possibly think of. It has been without a course is what I'm saying. Without that notebook to refer to it has been mentally easier for me. I can take it day by day without an impending seemingly impossible goal. If he gains skills I party! I cry opening about how it makes me feel. If I cry with joy it makes it easier not to cry in frustration and anguish. I told myself the important thing is NOT to imagine his future. That may sound so stupid to some. I don't know if I can clearly explain it. In my heart I fear that what I picture when I imagine a healthy "normal" grown man version of him will jinx things. If I picture him like men I have met with autism I feel ashamed at how my heart hurts. I feel robbed for him if he is dependent on me and Daddy when he is grown. I feel too many angry things about life being unfair. So, I don't allow my imagination to break my heart. No one can foresee the future for real anyhow. I just know it hurts when people say things like "he'll grow out of it" or "he'll be fine".

 This year at the age of three my son has accomplished big things. Like starting Early Interventions Preschool, reciting song lyrics, identifying his potty parts, picking vegetables, pouring sand into a container from another container, being gentle handling an egg, memorizing a daily routine at school, using picture cards to make requests at home, putting his books away, pulling up his pants, allowing me to cut his nails, graduating naps, identifying his family in a photo, eating with a fork and this is all I can recall from memory because I didn't take notes. I'm sure if I combed my archives here I will see some I missed. But all of these are huge because they are his. He accomplishes almost everything in his way in hiss own time and mostly just because he finally decided he needed to.

For the record he also ate his egg toast all by himself with a fork this morning. ::happy dancing::

  This year I plan to become the advocate I know I have inside. For other parents to talk to because I know I'm a safe place. Because I know I am so lost too and just being in the trenches with people who get it really matters. I have a feeling there are other moms and dads who feel the same. I gonna be brave and put myself out there to make some good moves within the autism community. Maybe I have a little bit of bareillespiration but I feel like I don't care who is watching because what I do is important. And sitting on the couch feeling sad just isn't.



 I have set aside the hobbies that fight with the current flow in our house. You have to choose the greater good when you are a mom anyhow otherwise you just feel selfish or bitter. But there are so many great things to look forward to in the spring let alone the whole new year. I plan to full on farm the hell outta my yard. I wanna feed all my friends with our bounty. I want to raise a greenhouse and expand my chicken run. I want to grow the most epic foods from the seeds I harvested last year. I want to can again because I loved every morsel and we wasted NOTHING grown last year!! I have never been able to say that before. The chickens are laying well through the winter ( even the frozen eggs were fun to collect) and they have become an amazing group of pets for the boy. He collects eggs and feeds them scoops of scratch grain like a tiny farmer pro. They are a systematic animal and creatures of habit. He can relate completely. In fact we have some farm pics and stories to post in a day or so. The girl had a massive amount of chicken stuff she wanted me to post so we are doing a full on chicken segment soon. I will try to space out all the goodness that has been sparked with my cup of coffee and a full night sleep. Crazy what sleep will do for a Moms whole being. When you are all up in momlife, sleep sounds so much better than going out. So tonight hubs and sis and I will go crazy with some jello shots and perhaps make it to midnight if we are lucky.







Happy New year everyone. Here's a look back in no particular order to some of the last year in pictures. Be safe tonight ya'll.

Days of Our Lives

  Right now I sit and watch my son stim out. It's a common term regarding repetitious autistic behavior. He is back in a rut and it's hard. It's becoming my version of normal though. Which has been scaring me a little. I was slapped out of it twice in that last few months and I want to try to tell both stories. Blogging has been very very difficult because I am trying hard to not call my daughters bio mom a crazy string of cuss words. Aidan misses Hallie terribly and it isn't good for him. But some selfish people only care about child support. Sometimes life is imbalanced and you just wait.



Errand Fail

  A while ago I was having a great time enjoying the things my son can do. Which lately seems to be a shrinking list because of regression. A downside to the magical monster that is autism. I was really engrossed in eye contact and songs and walks outside. Making the most of the times that are fun and less stress for both he and I. Taking him to the store has even become more complex because he gets so frustrated and now screams like he is being murdered when I can't understand him. On one such trip to the fabric store he lost his ever loving mind because I didn't ( and still don't) understand what "Nnnnnnnnsnana" means. I stopped and leaned in close and tried to repeat it and hugged him while he cried, and took him out of the cart ( he is HUGE and 3.5 so this always looks stupid to other people) and snuggled him while he screamed into my shoulder. And I became embarrassed. I felt my cheeks flush. I tried to remind myself of the kids I once taught who hit themselves, and bit us teachers, and I mentally recited " I don't have it that bad. I don't have it that bad." desperately trying not to cry. I was not helping him at all. I was being self centered. I took him out when he wasn't tired, was totally full and happy and dry. But I still felt like I must have missed some sign that It wasn't a great plan to adventure out with the boy in tow today. But what day would be better.it is such a lottery.

 Standing like a lost fool holding a lump of tears who was cooing in my ear now instead of being a siren, I decided to abandon my cart and come back another day. Maybe when I had an adult cohort to make me feel less crazy about feeling overwhelmed. As I gathered my purse and kid and rummaged for my keys I noticed two ladies giving me the over the shoulder shit eye from the checkout line.Apparently they had watched the whole sideshow that is my parenting. One older woman met my gaze with a disdainful look of snide disapproval and actually had the gall to say without hesitation " If you cater to him he'll never be any better for anyone else you know".


 I died inside.


 Anyone who knows me at all would assume I just got fired up and punched her square in the bitchy bat face. But I didn't. I just left. Left my cart and found my keys and put the boy in his car seat and cried in the front seat gripping the steering wheel. Because I'm not sure why I am being tested like this. I can deal with illogical stuff. I have proven my patience time and time again while dealing with my Dad and Alzheimer's. I have a co-parenting/step parenting saga that makes NO sense. I have shown my stripes in the real world. So why am I being tested like this.


 Being a parent makes you change all of your personal rules you set for yourself. I knew what I was made of but this boy, he changes all of my ways. And lately I am having some pretty major struggles with it. He can't speak. I can't fix it. It's all too much some days. And just one old See-You-Next-Thursday caused my facade I keep mortering back in place to crumble to the ground.


 It's not that all people are ignorant bitches. It's that people can be so mindlessly hurtful with opinions best kept to themselves.

 No one knows better than me what my son is. And I didn't correct her. Or punch her face.






Errand Success

 While downtown running errands with my mom friend, dropping of consignment stuff in local shops we are both lucky enough to be in, we like to trek around. Aidan has to be in the stroller for this because it's just not possible otherwise. But it can be really fun some trips. This was a busy but good one.

 The winds were somewhat warm still but it had that weird hint of fall to it. Aidan loves the feel of wind so much. Closing his eyes and smiling so big. Waving his hands around and honestly looking like a baby wizard conjuring the breeze out of nowhere. Both my friend and I were really enjoying how happy it was making him. But It did rev him up a lot. Which means happy screaming. Ear piercing as all get out but I refuse to shush him because damnit, he is happy.

 Times like this I brace myself for apologizing to annoyed people in public. I just do. I feel you saying "aww that sucks" or " you shouldn't do that" but I do it a lot. I just say it with a shrug and a polite I'm sorry. It's just life.

 We needed to stop for lunch but quickly changed gears from any type of sit down venue because duh. I spied Elephants Deli and we bee lined for it. The place was packed and as we made it around the horseshoe of a line that curved past cold foods and hot foods and beverages and chips the boy continued to scream happily. Which made me blush and hurry. I grabbed a pack of chips and opened them for him hoping to calm his outward excitement with the best currency. Snacks. Nope. Still squawking. I met the eyes of a couple and both were smiling at Aidan. Who was playing his favorite game again. It's where he stares at a person and then when that person makes eye contact Aidan laughs sooooooo hard and looks away. He doesn't even care if you know you are playing. This couple though he was hilarious. I felt myself calm down a little. The line made its way around and soon it was our turn to pay and leave. On our way out a man in a business suit held the door for us. And looked right at Aidan who then lost his mind laughing. The man didn't miss a beat after I mentioned he was playing a game and didn't realize he had been. He looked away and looked back quick, thus sending the boy into shrieks. And did it one more time as he walked off. Making my whole day. Maybe month.


 I got a little teary when I thought about it. Every employee laughed with him. The place was crowded with patrons and not one acted annoyed by the screaming. No one was judgey. It was sort of a first. Not everyone can see him as awesome. That day no one was a dick.









 I am having a tough spell of parenting and coping and dealing. I just need there to be less dick-ish people. And more people who laugh with me.


 I am working really hard for some major things I think will change this rough patch for us. Winter always brings less outside activity. So I have been sewing and selling on etsy to save for a swim membership for the boy. And purchases from KungFooKids goes towards Aidans adventures to help his growth and development. Around this time of year I usually donate to the Autism society but this year I am donating to his needs instead.










 Addition: I thought about this post while I jumped in the shower and really went over the fact that I pour my strengths and flaws out on this interwebity voice box. I know very well what my strong points are and I love to shout from the rooftops when I know I have been awesome. But I am just a human. And I know damn well I have major work on me to do all the time. No person is perfect. My strengths are just the handles I use to swing that big ass bag of guilt, weakness and worry over my shoulder to carry every day. Everyone has their own bag.

Day one of school for the big/little guy.

 I have been looking forward to this day for so long. In fact, if I'm being honest, I thought it was next Monday. Oops. Until the school bus showed up at 7ish yesterday and my daughter completely panicked and got me up and moving in a seriously dazed and confused scramble for my phone. Upon calling the school and revealing what a loser I am, I learned it was a "test run" of the new student on the bus route ( Aidan). And I learned that school was staring today, which I did not admit to not really knowing. Last night I packed the tiny backpack given to us by a dear friend. Just his size and super adorable when he wears it. Extra clothes, picture for his cubby, snacks for a comfort.......... all the things I once requested parents to pack for my class. Makes it double cool/strange for me. I am on the flip side of the coin now. All those years made me more prepared and more aware of what is required and appreciated of me as a Mom on the first day of school. I smiled thinking about all the things that used to drive me crazy then, but none I could ever just straight up say directly to the parents. Packing GI Joes and Transformers with kids snacks of pure sugar, hanging around for an extra long time while the kid clings and cries thus making it so much worse and awkward for everyone, calling every five minutes to check in and interrupting teaching and the poor admin up front all day. ::Sigh:: I did know and still know why those things happen. Maybe the kid wont eat if he doesn't have Joe, maybe it's hard for Mom to be away form her little kiddo and she needs the hugs too, maybe having so much time at home alone makes her worry and she is self conscious about her kid having a bad day and behaving poorly? I just know how bonkers that made me when I was trying to focus on the most important thing. Getting songs and words and colors and themes about animals under the sea and EVERYTHING I could, into the little minds of tiny people. I miss it. Really a lot today especially. But something I thought of for a long time last night was how much I appreciate Aidan's teachers. They choose not only to teach, that is special all on it's own, but to teach my son and his peers. They chose the hard group and no easy ones. Let's be honest with the whole "every child is both easy and difficult in their own way yadda yadda yadda". Duh. What I am saying is these teachers are angelic because they work with a solid group of kids with special needs. It isn't a room of "normal" kids and one or two with learning disabilities. It's all they do. They are magical. And I want to make sure I am the Mom who is the easiest to talk do, deal with, approach about a problem, everything. No lingering drop offs. No Gabba toys. No phone calls.


 So today we as a whole flipping family took little dude to school and he dragged us from the car and tried to jog into the building he knows so well already. He waiting semi patiently for his classmates to collect in the lobby and for teachers to come take them back to the classroom. Hallie was emotional and most of it was serious pride in her brother. She smiled the whole trip and got teary when I did on the way out. The ten year old hugged and consoled me. My heart is still all fluttery but mostly I am just so happy. We are here. A humongous milestone for each one of us. It's incredibly odd being in the car with no boy in the car seat when the rest of us are in the car. We have never been without him as a family. Ever. He isn't easy to leave with people. Not because of any normal separation anxiety or the like. He is just tough because he is unpredictable and out of the average ranges all over the spectrum. This is the safest place he can be other than at my side. I am not uneasy about it, nor do I have any doubts about any of it. It's fantastic. My head and heart can be happy while I clean his room, or craft my jewelry, or................blog. :)  After all of these last few months filled with struggle and tests, this is rewarding beyond description. I needed this daily break just as much as he needs the interaction and stimulation and every single thing that great school has to offer him. Every Mom needs a breather, a break. It is our human right to have a moment of peace and sanity. Not every Mom can take one. I finally can. This will balance out what has been imbalanced for quite some time. Three years of earning this for me and for him. So healthy. So good.



 

  I will update after he comes home. On the school bus. Like a big huge mancub. And I can read all about his day on the notes they send home. Here's a video until drop off because, yeah, adorable. 

_______________________________________________

UPDATE!

Someone had a great day.

Didn't even fall asleep on the bus. And I was pretty happy to have him home of course.

Growing up and not. All at the same time.

 Today is Aidan's 3 year check up and while I knew this was coming and really it's just another doctors visit, I was surprised at the sick feelings of dread coming on. Part of me had sabotaged filling out his Ages and Stages paperwork at every opportunity over the last week or so and I hadn't even noticed I was avoiding it until we sat down to get it done today. It's maddening the things we can't check off. It's just frustrating and depressing and I hate it. It broke me down and made me cry. As Kelly read the questions out loud for us to answer together I could feel the lump in my throat grow and the warm flush in my cheeks. I get so angry and there is nobody to be angry with. It's all I can do not to just throw the packet away. I felt bad immediately after biting my husbands head off  "Just check NO on everything! He doesn't do anything we ask him to!". And my heart felt all heavy and ashamed that I was mad. It's a ripped up haggard basket of very complicated feelings. I wanna drop kick that basket down the hall sometimes.

 But he doesn't do what we ask. He isn't a mimic. He hasn't the skills to retrieve things for us and put things here or there. The list is long. Is this how it will be every year when we have to get a check up? Feels a little insensitive. Do I really have to fill out the glaringly obvious signs that he misses the mark? Can't they just read his EI file and just talk to us about his health instead?

 So I am bringing a copy of his developmental file to our appointment in hopes our pediatrician gets the idea. I spend most of my days focusing on the things my son can do or on a rough day, troubleshooting the language barrier and general bouts of toddler irrationality. It is quite a bitch slap of reality to fill out the typical questionnaire when you have subconsciously been living for the positive side of things for the sake of sanity. Coping, I assume is why the brain just takes the happier route. It really does take more energy to dwell on the negative and frankly I am not sure how families could survive that way.


 I am sorry for the pity party but it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to vent.


In related news, Aidan is 3. And I would just like to point out that his birthday is on the 10th and Johnny Depp's is on the 9th. I am just sayin. Cheers to handsome Geminis!

Adaptation for the sake of sanity.

 There are so many things that our household used to do when the girl was young. Times are different now that the boy is a part of the blend. I was sitting in my window seat super early the other morning drinking my coffee and looking out on our sweet cul-de-sac with a happy feeling in my chest and a smile on my face. And I realized that our plans for the holiday weekend didn't really accommodate Aidan. We were going to the beach. Which is terrifying for me because all little man wants to do is run out to sea over and over and over. This is not a " hey my kid will learn to listen and he'll figure out not to do that" thing. This is an "autistic fixation with water and he will not figure it out he will drown" thing.  I hate it because it has complicated my very favorite type of trip to my place of zen. The ocean and I used to be best friends. And I guess we had to break up after Aidan was born. But that's where hubs wanted to go as a family and he made plans with friends to do so and I felt obligated to spend my day retrieving a stubborn son from the surf repeatedly, thus surrendering my sanity and good time to be being a good parent. Not saying hubs isn't a good parent, he would just be doing man things with the men. That's how these trips go. Until now. Sitting in the window sipping coffee while everyone slept, I had my epiphany. I am totally not doing any of that. I am going to stay right here. With the boy. Just like a normal day with a normal routine. And I did. And here I am.

  I am eating carrot sticks sipping a mimosa and enjoying sunshine. It's currently 68 degrees and climbing. The boy has had a great morning and we will party outside all afternoon. Kelly took the girl to the beach as planned and all is well. It's ok. None of it has to be set in stone. I don;t have to be miserable and resent sacrificing my relaxation. Our home isn't deeply religious. My step kiddo found the lord on her own terms and has a peaceful love of church that I nor my husband share. We allow our kids to make their own choices. As long as they are happy and not in a cult, I love them and encourage it all. So for me personally, this holiday brings back the most incredibly special memories that I cannot in my heart of hearts recreate if I tried. And all of that's ok. The boy got three comically enormous plastic eggs which he continuously drop kicks and says "ball". He is oblivious. Might be how this goes until he reaches a stage of holiday buy in. The girl knows the gig is fake and reaps the benefits of being "in the know". Picking Easter clothing or shoes as gifts. That's it. That's how we will roll until the tide changes. This is a great place to be right now people!! No stress. Tonight Hal will read her choices from the bible and my husband will enjoy it. I will snuggle the boy and he will just go to sleep like it's Sunday. Because it is.

 Autism is teaching me to cope with my own personal stress levels. Forcing me to cool it with festivity frenzies and expectations of behavior so out of reach. But I am really ok with the change. I am proud of myself for my step back and my re-evaluation of the situation. Gotta pat my own back sometimes. And I gotta go to the beach with my girls instead of my kids soon.


Have a glorious Easter, any way you celebrate. Happiness and love to all of you. And of course incredible gas from all those incredibly edible eggs. Deviled or otherwise. ;)

Mowwahahahahah