Pride, Patience and Positivity

 I felt in my bones that I was starting to let that dark side we've been battling get to me. I was letting it grind at my nerves and cast shadows on my mood. That shouldn't be how it is. Rarely in my whole life have I allowed anyone or anything dictate how I feel. I am not a helpless being. I am a light and happy and snarky but positive person. I can lift a friend out of a rut or shine a humorous " look on the bright side" laughing spin on most situations. I usually say " It could be worse, you could be on fire" because it's so crazy people will laugh. And the other day I had to tell it to myself. Because it's true. I NEED to count my blessings and be grateful and thankful for what I have. Aside from a good man by my side and  a daughter that is so bright naturally that she pulls A's and B's with little effort. I have a brother and sister who have my back no matter what. I have best friends like sisters and brothers from other mothers. 

 I have been wrestling with my negative mood as of the last few weeks. Basically the hits keep coming and when they are out of your control or feel cruel it's hard on a family. There is a major difference between myself and some of my friends who have had equally hard or honestly, harder things. They have God. This may sound sort of weird to some. I am a very open minded and spiritual person. I have read many many many books of faith and I can see the good points in all of them, But I can't seem to identify wholeheartedly with any. I like to hear other people talk happily about their church experiences or how faith helps their lives. I am jealous. I wish at times like this I had that light in my heart they speak of. I feel like the stress would be different. I have my friends and my family and my hobbies. My yard is my church I guess. I can lose myself in the wholesome ritual of creating something worthwhile out there. I do however envy the knit community of a church. My family was never religious and my parents offered all of us four kids the open door to seek any faith we wanted, or none if that felt better. They were both from church going families and from what I gather they might have been what is referred to as the CREASTER types ( devoted Christians and Catholics around Christmas and Easter only). I attended many services with childhood friends including one with my Vietnamese bff where they pinned a red carnation on me to symbolize my newness to the church and I struggled being the absolute only white person in there and also fighting off the urge to vomit from the food poisoning I was enduring while I sweated profusely wondering to myself why hadn't I just gone home instead of embodying everything Hollywood portrays as a white devil ironically singled out by a red flower. I did not yack, but also I was not invited to return. I digress but my point is that I have tried church and I have given God a chance. It's not my thing. At times like this I wish somewhat desperately that is was.

 As a conscious effort to fill my non-job-working moments with things that fulfill me and benefit my families situation I am setting aside my pride and asking things of people I never have before. I am asking for advice and so far have gotten some of the best feedback I ever have! Because I reached out and asked. I am asking for assistance, which is very hard for me to do. I have been the " I would rather live in a cardboard box than ask for a hand out" type all my life and have had to humble myself enough to grasp the bigger thing. It's not about just me anymore. Aidan is actually the one right now who has been suffering. He is in need of simple things like hearing tests, podiatrist visit to assess the severity of his toe-walking which can become a permanent physical impairment if not addressed, physical therapy for gross and fine motor skills, speech therapy for his delays, not to mention the swim lessons specific to special needs children that we are out of district and have to pay hundreds of bucks for if we want him to join, and my goal of a simple Zoo Pass for him to have outings this spring and summer especially when his school is not in session for long breaks. All of these things take the backseat when we are forced to be miserly and pinch pennies on a  budget. I just want him to have a shot a being normal-ish. I think that he deserves a fair shake. On average we can handle this load just fine, but recently we've hit a solid struggle and a financial drop off we've never faced before. So I am putting myself out there for odder jobs that take me away from home less, that utilize my skills and pay decently. I am reaching out to my community for a fundraiser for Aidan. I am slowing down to consider all the possibilities instead of tunneling my vision on the stresses only to be overwhelmed. And most important of all the things ever, I am keeping my chin up and making sure I laugh at the craziness of the times we are facing. Because this too shall pass. It's really only making the bond between my stepkid and I stronger. And reminding her of the knight in shining armor she has for a Daddy. Things will be better. I have always been a firm believer in putting good into the universe if you expect good in return. I cannot lose that. Everyone has a hard time at some point. Damnit, this too shall pass. 





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Me-mi-mo-Momma

 The name Mom falls a little heavier on my shoulders nowadays. Not just because Aidan is a hellova job to parent. But also because the step daughter brought up how she feels about calling me Mom. It's a talk we've have several times over the years. I tell her the same thing every time. I don't mind what she calls me as long as she is comfortable with it. She had settled on just calling me Shannon long ago but every now and then she brings it up again and we talk about our feelings and our roles. From time to time I have heard her call me Mom when she's hanging out with her friends and it made me smile. I do know however that she has gone all red faced at school after accidentally calling her teachers Mom. I don't tend to make anything out of it and if at times the topic comes up it comes up.  This time she was old enough to have a more exploratory talk about it and really wanted to. No two people follow the same path in life but I do think having real conversations about life experiences is super important. When you talk openly with your kids about how you've lived and the choices you made, it makes them feel less alone on their path. You might be giving them a choice they didn't think of as a solution. Or even better if you are an honest parent, you might help them make an alternate choice by explaining how you made a mistake and what you learned. Showing you are human does make a kid more likely to open up and ask tough stuff. On this particular topic I had very little but I told her how something similar affected my own parents when I was about her age.

  I have a very best friend from when I was you and her Dad filled a major void for me though my growing pains aka Middle School. I had started calling him Dad and didn't think twice about it. Mainly because my own father worked long hours and of course, my mother and I didn't get along. Lance took the spot of my Mom really, but I didn't think that title would be a compliment for him at all. He was an ear to listen without judgement about my life and the dramatics and embarrassments I was going through. Neither of my actual parents were present for me or my emotions. So he became my second Dad. I never considered how it would make my first Dad feel and when he overheard me use his title for Lance, he was angry. Later I would look back and understand that his anger was really him feeling hurt, and slighted and replaced. Not any of the things I intended and those feelings faded for him. When he and I talked about it after I was well into college years, we agreed that I was very lucky to have more than the average amount of grown ups who really loved me and cared how I turned out. It's not even a step-parent situation but it's all I have that compares.

 After Hal and I talked at length I realized with quite a bit of admiration, that she already knew and sensed this would be the same end result in her world too. That she had in fact referred to me as Mom after explaining her situation when needed to friends and teachers and others. For her it isn't weird anymore. The only part that felt weird is that she could never openly call me Mom at her actual first Moms house. Because of all the feelings that she would cause. Just as I had. Only I didn't have the respect and foresight to handle my situation with kid gloves and I commend her for sparing her mothers feelings. She even mentioned that she hopes her mom will grow to feel the same about it all too, just sooner than college for her.

 Step-parenting books can tell you to say all the standard "appropriate" things but at some point you have to just listen and learn from your kids. I think she is doing a damn fine job of finding her own way to be. She is at an age where her thoughts are her own. In her own words " I like to just be Hallie. I feel like soon I am going to just get to be who I want to be". It does bum me out that she feels like she isn't fully being herself yet but maybe some of that is just the awkward tween puberty phase and I'm sure aiming to please two totally different households doesn't help much. I am proud of her for actively trying to own her thoughts and feelings. Some women three times her age aren't there yet. Her balance, problem solving and pro-active empathy is amazing to me. It's completely her own. No one told her to be this way. She just is. I know every parent thinks their kid is great but sometimes it dawns on me that she is right in the mix of being wise beyond her years and youthful but not blissfully unaware and naive. I feel like that's major for her age.


 I have always felt like I am a mother to her in so many ways. But it's extra nice to overhear her just simply call me Mom to her friends and not second guess it anymore. If I'm being honest, my heart fluttered. Being a step-parent can often be a strange place to be. You don't get the automatic credits that come with any trait deemed genetic. You don't get the natural points that fall into place with being a parent and sometimes it all feels a bit odd. But, when it's good, and nurture happens. A bond like non other can form. The person who high fives you most for being spot on and "getting them", is the kid. And at the end of the day that is who matters.

Life has no users manual. Here's how to wing it.

 I rarely post links to other blogs. So believe it when I say this is on point. And, of course I have my own stuff to add because I can't leave well enough alone. I have a few favorite parts like the one about how parenting isn't a contest you are winning. Really no one cares about that. Beating someone at Mommy-ing is impossible because everyone rocks and sucks at different things. You can only really lose at parenting ( in so many ways and then its a whole new blog post) and at that point no one wins, especially your kiddo.


Read and enjoy if you want to feel a bit validated about following your gut instead of a book. Best advise I ever got; "If it feels right in your gut, it's right for your baby. Don't let other moms or even some doctors opinions sway your gut feelings about YOUR baby." And boy did that come in handy a lot.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jj-keith/new-moms_b_1850227.html


I think I will write one for all the new step moms out there. Because there isn't a users manual for that either and it is new and scary for the first couple years. It's a role that will make you feel insane and self doubting constantly but I have found some honesty in parenting through my adventures with step kid. She was my crash course. And she came first.

Some real honest truths from one Step Mom to the next.


You will ALWAYS have moments where you feel like the island of reality in a co-parenting cluster.When the Bio parents are in it deep, sometimes they can't see the big picture and get fixated on the he said she said. It sucks. And, you are in the middle just as much as the kid. And, bummer part, your voice of reason may not be recognized. It's just the way it is.



You may be your step kids best friend. Because you are the closest thing he/she has to a friend that is not a snotty kid down the street and you didn't give birth to him/her. It's a really special bond that can be a double edged sword. I mean it creates parent jealousy whether they want to admit it or not. You may be the only one who "gets them" or the one who listens to feelings and emotions or the one who plays with them the way they like. I don't know exactly why this is really. I am guessing it's because you jump in at a certain point and get to know them starting then. No baby memories sometimes, no hanging on to when they were four sometimes. Who knows. It is just amazing and awesome and a very important place to be.



You get to do all of this. NEVER forget that part. You didn't have to. You chose to. It's a bigger responsibility than choosing to create and give birth to a person. I am serious when I say that. You are influencing someone elses kid. And periodically the parent you didn't marry will remind you of that. And you chose that too. And periodically ( hasn't happened yet and I think it's because she knows I know I am not her mom. We have that talk a lot. Because I am nothing like her and I parent completely differently) the kid will remind you of that. But you chose that too. It's a huge plate to step up to and it is most often a thankless job. But you get to do it.


Step kids are not baggage or a burden. They are automatic family. Most step parents feel like this. Most marriages to singles that see baggage, don't last. Fact. Look around. The Step community is growing and pretty well accepted.

Step parents do not really have Mommy groups. But if you have a Mommy who is in the same boat, hit happy hour and talk. You will feel soooooooooo much better and less alone. I promise. And you don't even have to talk about the crazy ex. The kids are the fun talk. With your single friends the crazy ex is the fun talk. That's where the step mom bond is unique. Find at least one. It is so worth it.


My best advice I can give is not to put your judgmental opinions/questions on THENEST. :) The blended family forums are not your friends. Trust me. Maybe I will post that story another day. But lets just say there are a lot more Bio Moms trolling for someone to yell at in there than there are Step Moms looking for social comfort. I may or may not have caused a ruckus. I may or may not have cared.





Back to the wee man. His new EI teacher comes today. New house, new teacher.........I hope this goes well. He has new skills to talk about and I really just need Deb or someone like her in our lives.  Wish us luck.