Last night after an amazing dinner of cheeses and crackers and salami and wine, I really thought long and hard. Lately it's been difficult to put effort into living well. I mean actual living. Paying attention to how the things you do make you feel. I have made a conscious choice to fill up my days with long work ours at my new job. I know in my head and my heart that I fully committed to drowning out my sad feelings. I worked the most overtime on as little sleep as I ever have. Even in college I think I worked less and slept more. And I had three jobs then. Anyhow, my point is that I knew what I was doing and why. Busy hands have kept my darkness at the periphery. While I have come away feeling super accomplished, now it's time to slow down a little and pace back into normal daily family schedule. And also to try to navigate the upcoming Holiday ( and Dad's birthday a couple days after) with caution but not dread. I have really been focusing on being intentional as hippie dippy as that sounds. I have to say it has been really soulful feeling like I am in control. Because we all are. Every day. But we go through the motions and we take all the things for granted. And a week rolls by and what the hell did we even do worth mentioning? Instead of grinding through work everyday in a blur to the end result of a happy hour next week, be present. leave a post it note on a coworkers monitor telling them something kind. Be that guy who walk on his lunch break and just watches life. Breath and pause more. It's mood changing more than I can describe.
So the other day I won a gift card to a local grocer that happens to carry the most incredible variety of cheeses, and it brought me back to something I used to enjoy years ago. Just eating a simple decadent platter and savoring it all. Food is therapy and healing all in one for me. I can be completely soothed with food happiness. Some could consider that a problem. But anyway, this was a great example of remembering to live. When the hubs and I were dating early on one of our favorite things was to leisurely shop for "fancy" cheeses to try out. Bring home olives and water crackers and several hard and soft cheeses and a good sliced cured meat. And just eat. While a wedge of espresso crusted white sharp deliciousness can cost five bucks and feel like a crazy purchase, think of the time well spent enjoying it instead of the price tag.
There a few things that will be changing in the next few weeks. My husband has a major job overhaul happening and it will dictate our future as a household. I am optimistic that no matter what the outcome we will carry on just fine. We always do. Through far worse shit than this. But it feels like good change instead of impending doom and I think I owe that to my frame of mind. Being on the offense instead of the defense is also a mindset changing factor. I personally hate feeling caught off guard by drama or catastrophe and it's nice when life chugs along at a pace I can stay ahead of. I will take time to readdress my bucket list and sort out what's worth doing this coming year. I will pick up a few new books and actually take quiet hours here and there to myself. Which I haven't done in years. And I will eat more fancy cheese with my husband and sip wine with contentment as though we were fancy just for a night. You don't have to be a millionaire to buy a wedge of cheese. But mark my words you feel like a million bucks when you treat yourself really good now and then.
I cannot prevent my heart from being sad. But I can avoid living in sadness at length. I can just do the things I have wanted to because why the fuck not? My only limitations are means and mind. If it isn't insane or illegal why not try? Happiness is fleeting. Catch it any time you can. Often and on purpose.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, December 7, 2015
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Pride, Patience and Positivity
I felt in my bones that I was starting to let that dark side we've been battling get to me. I was letting it grind at my nerves and cast shadows on my mood. That shouldn't be how it is. Rarely in my whole life have I allowed anyone or anything dictate how I feel. I am not a helpless being. I am a light and happy and snarky but positive person. I can lift a friend out of a rut or shine a humorous " look on the bright side" laughing spin on most situations. I usually say " It could be worse, you could be on fire" because it's so crazy people will laugh. And the other day I had to tell it to myself. Because it's true. I NEED to count my blessings and be grateful and thankful for what I have. Aside from a good man by my side and a daughter that is so bright naturally that she pulls A's and B's with little effort. I have a brother and sister who have my back no matter what. I have best friends like sisters and brothers from other mothers.
I have been wrestling with my negative mood as of the last few weeks. Basically the hits keep coming and when they are out of your control or feel cruel it's hard on a family. There is a major difference between myself and some of my friends who have had equally hard or honestly, harder things. They have God. This may sound sort of weird to some. I am a very open minded and spiritual person. I have read many many many books of faith and I can see the good points in all of them, But I can't seem to identify wholeheartedly with any. I like to hear other people talk happily about their church experiences or how faith helps their lives. I am jealous. I wish at times like this I had that light in my heart they speak of. I feel like the stress would be different. I have my friends and my family and my hobbies. My yard is my church I guess. I can lose myself in the wholesome ritual of creating something worthwhile out there. I do however envy the knit community of a church. My family was never religious and my parents offered all of us four kids the open door to seek any faith we wanted, or none if that felt better. They were both from church going families and from what I gather they might have been what is referred to as the CREASTER types ( devoted Christians and Catholics around Christmas and Easter only). I attended many services with childhood friends including one with my Vietnamese bff where they pinned a red carnation on me to symbolize my newness to the church and I struggled being the absolute only white person in there and also fighting off the urge to vomit from the food poisoning I was enduring while I sweated profusely wondering to myself why hadn't I just gone home instead of embodying everything Hollywood portrays as a white devil ironically singled out by a red flower. I did not yack, but also I was not invited to return. I digress but my point is that I have tried church and I have given God a chance. It's not my thing. At times like this I wish somewhat desperately that is was.
As a conscious effort to fill my non-job-working moments with things that fulfill me and benefit my families situation I am setting aside my pride and asking things of people I never have before. I am asking for advice and so far have gotten some of the best feedback I ever have! Because I reached out and asked. I am asking for assistance, which is very hard for me to do. I have been the " I would rather live in a cardboard box than ask for a hand out" type all my life and have had to humble myself enough to grasp the bigger thing. It's not about just me anymore. Aidan is actually the one right now who has been suffering. He is in need of simple things like hearing tests, podiatrist visit to assess the severity of his toe-walking which can become a permanent physical impairment if not addressed, physical therapy for gross and fine motor skills, speech therapy for his delays, not to mention the swim lessons specific to special needs children that we are out of district and have to pay hundreds of bucks for if we want him to join, and my goal of a simple Zoo Pass for him to have outings this spring and summer especially when his school is not in session for long breaks. All of these things take the backseat when we are forced to be miserly and pinch pennies on a budget. I just want him to have a shot a being normal-ish. I think that he deserves a fair shake. On average we can handle this load just fine, but recently we've hit a solid struggle and a financial drop off we've never faced before. So I am putting myself out there for odder jobs that take me away from home less, that utilize my skills and pay decently. I am reaching out to my community for a fundraiser for Aidan. I am slowing down to consider all the possibilities instead of tunneling my vision on the stresses only to be overwhelmed. And most important of all the things ever, I am keeping my chin up and making sure I laugh at the craziness of the times we are facing. Because this too shall pass. It's really only making the bond between my stepkid and I stronger. And reminding her of the knight in shining armor she has for a Daddy. Things will be better. I have always been a firm believer in putting good into the universe if you expect good in return. I cannot lose that. Everyone has a hard time at some point. Damnit, this too shall pass.
Do you want to help? Here's how.
Do you know anyone needed wedding rings? Bride or Groom, I make them.
Are you local and want a landscape planned and planted with native species to be the best for our environment and super duper low maintenance? I know how to do that for you and can work with a budget easy peasy.
Do you need a baby nursery decorated? Maybe with a mural?
Want a painting for your home done?
No matter what, please keep posting your inspiring words about your faith and your family on Instagram and Facebook for me to read and be lifted. We don't all have the same stories or same God or same life but I do get quite a lot from you all. Makes me snap out of a funk sometimes.Thank you for that.
I have been wrestling with my negative mood as of the last few weeks. Basically the hits keep coming and when they are out of your control or feel cruel it's hard on a family. There is a major difference between myself and some of my friends who have had equally hard or honestly, harder things. They have God. This may sound sort of weird to some. I am a very open minded and spiritual person. I have read many many many books of faith and I can see the good points in all of them, But I can't seem to identify wholeheartedly with any. I like to hear other people talk happily about their church experiences or how faith helps their lives. I am jealous. I wish at times like this I had that light in my heart they speak of. I feel like the stress would be different. I have my friends and my family and my hobbies. My yard is my church I guess. I can lose myself in the wholesome ritual of creating something worthwhile out there. I do however envy the knit community of a church. My family was never religious and my parents offered all of us four kids the open door to seek any faith we wanted, or none if that felt better. They were both from church going families and from what I gather they might have been what is referred to as the CREASTER types ( devoted Christians and Catholics around Christmas and Easter only). I attended many services with childhood friends including one with my Vietnamese bff where they pinned a red carnation on me to symbolize my newness to the church and I struggled being the absolute only white person in there and also fighting off the urge to vomit from the food poisoning I was enduring while I sweated profusely wondering to myself why hadn't I just gone home instead of embodying everything Hollywood portrays as a white devil ironically singled out by a red flower. I did not yack, but also I was not invited to return. I digress but my point is that I have tried church and I have given God a chance. It's not my thing. At times like this I wish somewhat desperately that is was.
As a conscious effort to fill my non-job-working moments with things that fulfill me and benefit my families situation I am setting aside my pride and asking things of people I never have before. I am asking for advice and so far have gotten some of the best feedback I ever have! Because I reached out and asked. I am asking for assistance, which is very hard for me to do. I have been the " I would rather live in a cardboard box than ask for a hand out" type all my life and have had to humble myself enough to grasp the bigger thing. It's not about just me anymore. Aidan is actually the one right now who has been suffering. He is in need of simple things like hearing tests, podiatrist visit to assess the severity of his toe-walking which can become a permanent physical impairment if not addressed, physical therapy for gross and fine motor skills, speech therapy for his delays, not to mention the swim lessons specific to special needs children that we are out of district and have to pay hundreds of bucks for if we want him to join, and my goal of a simple Zoo Pass for him to have outings this spring and summer especially when his school is not in session for long breaks. All of these things take the backseat when we are forced to be miserly and pinch pennies on a budget. I just want him to have a shot a being normal-ish. I think that he deserves a fair shake. On average we can handle this load just fine, but recently we've hit a solid struggle and a financial drop off we've never faced before. So I am putting myself out there for odder jobs that take me away from home less, that utilize my skills and pay decently. I am reaching out to my community for a fundraiser for Aidan. I am slowing down to consider all the possibilities instead of tunneling my vision on the stresses only to be overwhelmed. And most important of all the things ever, I am keeping my chin up and making sure I laugh at the craziness of the times we are facing. Because this too shall pass. It's really only making the bond between my stepkid and I stronger. And reminding her of the knight in shining armor she has for a Daddy. Things will be better. I have always been a firm believer in putting good into the universe if you expect good in return. I cannot lose that. Everyone has a hard time at some point. Damnit, this too shall pass.
Do you want to help? Here's how.
Do you know anyone needed wedding rings? Bride or Groom, I make them.
Are you local and want a landscape planned and planted with native species to be the best for our environment and super duper low maintenance? I know how to do that for you and can work with a budget easy peasy.
Do you need a baby nursery decorated? Maybe with a mural?
Want a painting for your home done?
Or if you want to donate to our game plan you can do that here http://www.gofundme.com/Farming-for-Our-Autism
No matter what, please keep posting your inspiring words about your faith and your family on Instagram and Facebook for me to read and be lifted. We don't all have the same stories or same God or same life but I do get quite a lot from you all. Makes me snap out of a funk sometimes.Thank you for that.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Smells like a memory.
Today has something particularly electric about it. That energy you can physically feel in the weather. The overcast sky started to sprinkle while Aidan and I were out running errands and I had to stop and breathe. I didn't have a choice. THIS scent floods me with memories and makes me smile before I even know I am doing it. The aroma of new rain on sun baked concrete. The first sprinkles always release it but something is so special about it this time of year because the air is warmer and it feels almost tropical out. My sister says they make an man made recreation of the fragrance I described and it has a name. I don;t know it off the top of my head though I'm positive I could have Googled it and sounded real smart. I feel like I should douse my house with this smell as a home scent. It would really increase my days of productivity I think.
Today reminded me of the day we arrived in Oregon to stay. My Dad had uprooted us from a hot desert home in Southern California where I thought my life was complete. Roller skating in the hot sunshine year round was the absolute best. My first best friend had a neighbor who was an ice cream lady and my other best friend had an older brother the rest of us all had crushes on and we spent our lazy summers watching him and his pals do immensely stupid skateboard stunts while we swooned. Living in a community made up of a cult-de-sac labyrinth was all we knew as kids. All our peers had either perfectly manicured lawns or a spread of white rocks for front yards and swimming pools for backyards. All of that changed when we packed up the U-Haul and followed my fathers job orders north.
Our family took two routes to the new zone. My mom and three younger siblings rode Amtrak up the coast to see the scenery she had heard people rave about. I wanted to ride in the U-haul with my Dad because for one I just thought riding with my Mom sounded like a nightmare, and also I liked when my pops and I got to relax and have time together which was rare when he worked like a plow horse and there were s many of us littles vying for his off time. The drive up was incredible for me. I was a tree hugger in SoCal who had no clue what I was in for moving to the Pacific Northwest. I had no idea that this would be where I would feel peaceful and comforted outdoors in all the woods I could ever have asked for. When we reached our destination I so vividly remember hopping out of the truck cab and squishing into the carpet of front lawn just thoroughly covered in clover. And the smell that invaded my senses was just exactly like today's. It's so hard to describe but it's kinda like smell of outdoor school, girl scout camp,waking up with the sun on a camping trip and walking to school the last month of the year. I associate it with so many good things in my life that have happened in Oregon. It was the smell I enjoyed on the car ride to the hospital to have my son too now that I think of it. Sometimes it brings thunder and crazy pretty lightening storms in small spurts which is fun ( except I am terrified of thunder). My best friends house was right around the block from me growing up in Portland and when we would hear the rain on her back porch awning on days like today, we would kick off our shoes and go out to dance like fools and puddle stomp till either we were dead tired or the rain stopped. usually the later. Warm spring rain showers are seriously the best. If it pours today I am going to take Aidan the water bug out to play in it.
I opened all the windows in the house when we got home from running around this morning in hopes of filling my house with that glorious smell. I want to trap as much inside as I can and pray it lingers.
Isn't it amazing what can trigger a flood of precious thoughts and transport you to another time so long ago? If you live here, go outside and breathe. Close your eyes and tell me you can't think of something this reminds you of.
Today reminded me of the day we arrived in Oregon to stay. My Dad had uprooted us from a hot desert home in Southern California where I thought my life was complete. Roller skating in the hot sunshine year round was the absolute best. My first best friend had a neighbor who was an ice cream lady and my other best friend had an older brother the rest of us all had crushes on and we spent our lazy summers watching him and his pals do immensely stupid skateboard stunts while we swooned. Living in a community made up of a cult-de-sac labyrinth was all we knew as kids. All our peers had either perfectly manicured lawns or a spread of white rocks for front yards and swimming pools for backyards. All of that changed when we packed up the U-Haul and followed my fathers job orders north.
Our family took two routes to the new zone. My mom and three younger siblings rode Amtrak up the coast to see the scenery she had heard people rave about. I wanted to ride in the U-haul with my Dad because for one I just thought riding with my Mom sounded like a nightmare, and also I liked when my pops and I got to relax and have time together which was rare when he worked like a plow horse and there were s many of us littles vying for his off time. The drive up was incredible for me. I was a tree hugger in SoCal who had no clue what I was in for moving to the Pacific Northwest. I had no idea that this would be where I would feel peaceful and comforted outdoors in all the woods I could ever have asked for. When we reached our destination I so vividly remember hopping out of the truck cab and squishing into the carpet of front lawn just thoroughly covered in clover. And the smell that invaded my senses was just exactly like today's. It's so hard to describe but it's kinda like smell of outdoor school, girl scout camp,waking up with the sun on a camping trip and walking to school the last month of the year. I associate it with so many good things in my life that have happened in Oregon. It was the smell I enjoyed on the car ride to the hospital to have my son too now that I think of it. Sometimes it brings thunder and crazy pretty lightening storms in small spurts which is fun ( except I am terrified of thunder). My best friends house was right around the block from me growing up in Portland and when we would hear the rain on her back porch awning on days like today, we would kick off our shoes and go out to dance like fools and puddle stomp till either we were dead tired or the rain stopped. usually the later. Warm spring rain showers are seriously the best. If it pours today I am going to take Aidan the water bug out to play in it.
I opened all the windows in the house when we got home from running around this morning in hopes of filling my house with that glorious smell. I want to trap as much inside as I can and pray it lingers.
Isn't it amazing what can trigger a flood of precious thoughts and transport you to another time so long ago? If you live here, go outside and breathe. Close your eyes and tell me you can't think of something this reminds you of.
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