The hardest part of life is remembering to actually live it.

 Last night after an amazing dinner of cheeses and crackers and salami and wine, I really thought long and hard. Lately it's been difficult to put effort into living well. I mean actual living. Paying attention to how the things you do make you feel. I have made a conscious choice to fill up my days with long work ours at my new job. I know in my head and my heart that I fully committed to drowning out my sad feelings. I worked the most overtime on as little sleep as I ever have. Even in college I think I worked less and slept more. And I had three jobs then. Anyhow, my point is that I knew what I was doing and why. Busy hands have kept my darkness at the periphery. While I have come away feeling super accomplished, now it's time to slow down a little and pace back into normal daily family schedule. And also to try to navigate the upcoming Holiday ( and Dad's birthday a couple days after) with caution but not dread. I have really been focusing on being intentional as hippie dippy as that sounds. I have to say it has been really soulful feeling like I am in control. Because we all are. Every day. But we go through the motions and we take all the things for granted. And a week rolls by and what the hell did we even do worth mentioning? Instead of grinding through work everyday in a blur to the end result of a happy hour next week, be present. leave a post it note on a coworkers monitor telling them something kind. Be that guy who walk on his lunch break and just watches life. Breath and pause more. It's mood changing more than I can describe.

 So the other day I won a gift card to a local grocer that happens to carry the most incredible variety of cheeses, and it brought me back to something I used to enjoy years ago. Just eating a simple decadent platter and savoring it all. Food is therapy and healing all in one for me. I can be completely soothed with food happiness. Some could consider that a problem. But anyway, this was a great example of remembering to live. When the hubs and I were dating early on one of our favorite things was to leisurely shop for "fancy" cheeses to try out. Bring home olives and water crackers and several hard and soft cheeses and a good sliced cured meat. And just eat. While a wedge of espresso crusted white sharp deliciousness can cost five bucks and feel like a crazy purchase, think of the time well spent enjoying it instead of the price tag.

 There a few things that will be changing in the next few weeks. My husband has a major job overhaul happening and it will dictate our future as a household. I am optimistic that no matter what the outcome we will carry on just fine. We always do. Through far worse shit than this. But it feels like good change instead of impending doom and I think I owe that to my frame of mind. Being on the offense instead of the defense is also a mindset changing factor. I personally hate feeling caught off guard by drama or catastrophe and it's nice when life chugs along at a pace I can stay ahead of. I will take time to readdress my bucket list and sort out what's worth doing this coming year. I will pick up a few new books and actually take quiet hours here and there to myself. Which I haven't done in years. And I will eat more fancy cheese with my husband and sip wine with contentment as though we were fancy just for a night. You don't have to be a millionaire to buy a wedge of cheese. But mark my words you feel like a million bucks when you treat yourself really good now and then.


 I cannot prevent my heart from being sad. But I can avoid living in sadness at length. I can just do the things I have wanted to because why the fuck not? My only limitations are means and mind. If it isn't insane or illegal why not try? Happiness is fleeting. Catch it any time you can. Often and on purpose.

Is that a wrap?

  I used to keep a journal. The spiral bound paper goodness with torn out pages and post it flags. All about Aidan. Notes upon notes of his every move. Over the years the pages turned from exclamations of excitement to worry to what I imagine a physicians notes to look like. Documenting observations. Not much else. The good side to this gloom is that I really put more and more into this space. All the magical round of applause stuff went here. And the over the top ventings went here. And that will continue. I decided to stop taking notes along the way. That notebook has been gathering dust. The harsh reality is that autism has paralyzed parts of the Mommy in me. I have a baby book that also fades out of happiness into blank pages. It has become harder and harder to write on paper with any permanence that he will read when he is big. I fear it. I have a baby book phobia. From his second Birthday page filled with a list of the guests that attended and a few pictures, that book is empty. Not because I became that mom that was just oh so busy. I'm sure that's what I told myself. But for the sake of being honest, I couldn't do it. Too much sadness in discovery. Too new and real to document and I for sure don't want his baby book, that sentimental thing you hand over when the kid is grown, to read like a doctors diagnosis. Just simply too much.

 This last year has been the best and the worst of it all. It had been like that part in Alice in Wonderland where the path ahead gets erased by that sweeper dog and she cried. When the path you are expecting to follow is removed and you have to find your own way it is crazier than what I imagine being lost at sea must be. Because on the path to god knows where, there seem to be more predators than out in open water. This year the path has changed from a five lane highway back to a set of stairs and then all the other traveling analogies I could possibly think of. It has been without a course is what I'm saying. Without that notebook to refer to it has been mentally easier for me. I can take it day by day without an impending seemingly impossible goal. If he gains skills I party! I cry opening about how it makes me feel. If I cry with joy it makes it easier not to cry in frustration and anguish. I told myself the important thing is NOT to imagine his future. That may sound so stupid to some. I don't know if I can clearly explain it. In my heart I fear that what I picture when I imagine a healthy "normal" grown man version of him will jinx things. If I picture him like men I have met with autism I feel ashamed at how my heart hurts. I feel robbed for him if he is dependent on me and Daddy when he is grown. I feel too many angry things about life being unfair. So, I don't allow my imagination to break my heart. No one can foresee the future for real anyhow. I just know it hurts when people say things like "he'll grow out of it" or "he'll be fine".

 This year at the age of three my son has accomplished big things. Like starting Early Interventions Preschool, reciting song lyrics, identifying his potty parts, picking vegetables, pouring sand into a container from another container, being gentle handling an egg, memorizing a daily routine at school, using picture cards to make requests at home, putting his books away, pulling up his pants, allowing me to cut his nails, graduating naps, identifying his family in a photo, eating with a fork and this is all I can recall from memory because I didn't take notes. I'm sure if I combed my archives here I will see some I missed. But all of these are huge because they are his. He accomplishes almost everything in his way in hiss own time and mostly just because he finally decided he needed to.

For the record he also ate his egg toast all by himself with a fork this morning. ::happy dancing::

  This year I plan to become the advocate I know I have inside. For other parents to talk to because I know I'm a safe place. Because I know I am so lost too and just being in the trenches with people who get it really matters. I have a feeling there are other moms and dads who feel the same. I gonna be brave and put myself out there to make some good moves within the autism community. Maybe I have a little bit of bareillespiration but I feel like I don't care who is watching because what I do is important. And sitting on the couch feeling sad just isn't.



 I have set aside the hobbies that fight with the current flow in our house. You have to choose the greater good when you are a mom anyhow otherwise you just feel selfish or bitter. But there are so many great things to look forward to in the spring let alone the whole new year. I plan to full on farm the hell outta my yard. I wanna feed all my friends with our bounty. I want to raise a greenhouse and expand my chicken run. I want to grow the most epic foods from the seeds I harvested last year. I want to can again because I loved every morsel and we wasted NOTHING grown last year!! I have never been able to say that before. The chickens are laying well through the winter ( even the frozen eggs were fun to collect) and they have become an amazing group of pets for the boy. He collects eggs and feeds them scoops of scratch grain like a tiny farmer pro. They are a systematic animal and creatures of habit. He can relate completely. In fact we have some farm pics and stories to post in a day or so. The girl had a massive amount of chicken stuff she wanted me to post so we are doing a full on chicken segment soon. I will try to space out all the goodness that has been sparked with my cup of coffee and a full night sleep. Crazy what sleep will do for a Moms whole being. When you are all up in momlife, sleep sounds so much better than going out. So tonight hubs and sis and I will go crazy with some jello shots and perhaps make it to midnight if we are lucky.







Happy New year everyone. Here's a look back in no particular order to some of the last year in pictures. Be safe tonight ya'll.

A friendly reminder of what "the good the bad and the ugly" really means

I would like to apologize. Let me be crystal clear though, so as not confuse you. If you stumbled upon this blog while searching for something else, I am sorry. This is a rant column of sorts. Where I pour into words these things I feel. If I am annoyed, or elated I blog. If I am excited, terrified, or confused. I write how I feel. I write my opinion of my life. If you are offended it is your right to look away, turn the page, and not come back. I invite you to exercise this right of yours. This is not being read aloud to you at gun point. Avert your eyes.

There are so many things that happen every day that are so un-blog-worthy. I do sift through the nonsense and write when the mood strikes me. Mostly when I think things are funny. Even the annoying can be funny. The best way to deal with the things you cannot change is to laugh and move forward. So here we are. Where I do that.

Some real life shit is not so funny. Like the pretty major cancer scare we had with Dad. Yesterday we got the results back and he is in fact, still all clear. We are still almost 6 years cancer free! Yayy! He still has a collapsed lung. What's that? You don't remember me saying he had that going on? Oh. Yeah. I didn't blog about it because it's real shit I didn't find funny. And I almost always write about the terrifying after the dust settles and I am done crying. And, I have found that those are the moments I need to lean on real people in person. My amazing friends carry me through my times of heartache. My blog is here when I am ok. I try to keep this space light.

My opinion is just that. And those that know me understand where I come from with those opinions. If you don't know me at all, this blog may confuse you. But the truth is that anyone can wander around the internet and find things that anger them. It's a personal choice to keep reading. If something I write gets under someones skin, then maybe they have more going on in their own head then they are willing to embrace. Like for instance, if I was reading about a perfect parent and all the things their incredible kids do correct and awesome, maybe it would drive me crazy because I know that isn't me. But it's something I would love to be better at.

Life is complicated. We all have things or people we have to interact with that we'd rather avoid. Just make the best of it all because if you can't shake it off and move forward, you just waste time dwelling. And that's usually done alone. Which is super boring and depressing.

Laugh, and move forward. In other words, get over it.