10 things about a Mom-cation

 The reality of life is that we Mommas get the least high fives or thanks. Because we just do what needs to be done. We made little people and we care for them because we should. It's our job. It is a daily grind and joy all at once. It's a balance that is so often tipped in the favor of the most needy, which is always the kids and sometimes even the spouse. All the pumpkin spice lattes in the world can't compensate for a full blown Target tantrum at decibels dogs can hear followed by vomiting in the car. But we just get shit done. Because it needs to just get done. I am not saying husbands are worthless but fellas you have a way of passing the buck to the lackey. And at the end of the day, the month, the year, we have let our sanity go a bit and our pretty is for show.

 Then something magical could happen. What if through the gripes and snark of the interwebs you found other like minded females who had all the same carry on luggage as you. By that I mean the bags under our eyes. But they also have the same laugh lines. Impossible? Not for me thank god. I met some of my soul mates in real life last weekend and it made feel so stupid for not thinking of taking a trip like this sooner ( all praise to Jenn for the idea and follow through). It was my saving grace for a fresh new year. That, is certain.

 I know most of these ladies from the web, one is my real life bestie and half I met a bloggy event a while back. But in this dynamic things were different and way better for relaxing fun. We had no fucks to give because of some silent code we all simultaneously adopted as our own. No judgement, just love and actual admiration for each others strengths and struggles. I can honestly say I didn't know 16 moms around my age who would treat me with such love until last weekend. Just for example, no one gave me shit for being the first one asleep each night! For one we aren't in college, but also for two, all of them know I never sleep. So the actual happiness I got from a few full nights uninterrupted was celebrated by them too. Because they get it. I am so grateful for the people in my life who get me. Because I am a weirdo. And let me tell you last weekend being a weirdo was basically the name of the game.


 If you are a Mom, and you assess your momlife balance and you realize you need a getaway, do it. I cannot promise the level of awesome that we managed to achieve. But I can guarantee a fresh feeling of calm probably up til the minute you pull into your own driveway again. If you're family is like mine all hell either broke loose while you were gone or the very second they saw your face and you may want to get back in the car.


  Anyways, here are my suggestions should you choose to want a good, wait, great time.

1. Pick a spot off the beaten path. The less civilization, the more in your own world you can be. So what if you and 15 ladies in matching sweatshirts infiltrate the one tiny cafe for breakfast with mild dazed champagne hangovers. So. What. Also, then it's basically your cafe.  
2. Do not dress to impress. Just be comfortable. Make it a rule that no fucks will be given and leggings are pants for the weekend. Because if you are busy worrying about what someone thinks of your outfit you are going to miss something way more fun and important for your soul.
3. Bring LOTS of food. To the legit access. Because a hangry group is a bitchy group. But also because then the kitchen is where it's at and food is an easy ice breaker. Everyone eats ya'll. 
4. Bring games. As juvenile as it seems, it's a big slumber party right? So what did you do back in the day to bond with your childhood girls? You played truth or dare, or Mall Madness. I know you did. So grab Apples to Apples or even Cards Against Humanities if you dare be bold like us, and prepare to cry laugh. It hurts so good. 
5. Bring your vice. Let it all hang out. This is your weekend away. If you smoke ten cigarettes like me* because it's an oldie but a goodie when you have drinks in hand. And for the best worst reason sometimes it feels like old times of youth and fun. Bring it with you. You would be shocked at who may join you. Everyone's got their somethin.
6. Don't call home 50 times. We naturally left it all at home. But I know some of my friends that didn't go that would have been constantly checking in. You just can't. What is the point then? And on that same note, tell your spouse to cut you a break with the pictures of the kids crying.
7. Bring awesome pjs. You end up getting in them earlier and earlier and perhaps just the whole last day you live in them.
8. Let your derp flag fly. Some of the best moments are because of a silly joke that keeps going wayyyyyy too far. Or an app that everyone starts taking crazy pictures with that continues long after everyone gets home. It's the minutes and seconds of crazy that blend with the lazy. That is the magic. 
9. Don't get out of hand and be "that girl". I say this because no one did. Not a single crying puker out of 16 chics. I know! Impressive. And so perfect. Everyone was grown up enough and I think it's a sign we were all comfortable enough to relax the right way. And in our own moderation. No fights, no drama, no nonsense. I feel like shots are a direct link to bullshit like that in this setting so maybe that's the key right there. We did no shots.
10. Don't mourn the trip till you are safely in bed at home afterwards. Then cry. Sort of kidding. I just mean don't waste a minute of good stuff wishing it wasn't over when it isn't over till that last person on the carpool chain drives away. Then sadness. But the great part even in that, it means it was so amazing you cannot wait to do it again. But seriously there is fun to be had even in the cleanup and packing cars. Don't miss a thing.

 Here is a montage of pics of our trip that you more than likely are tired of seeing if you follow any number of us on instagram because how nauseating were all our matching pics right? Sorry not sorry.

 Photo credit to everyone but I will add links as soon as I sort out who took what. We have some amazing photogs who do this for a living and their shots are of course the best ones.

 * I am so nott telling everyone to start smoking so chill the fuckout.
** Also, I miss you all so very much.

Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha -changes

  This morning I cracked open the laptop for the first time in god knows how long. This old beast has been crashing on me lately so I choose my time spent interwebbing wisely if I need anything without mobile ease or accessibility. While I can do a nice long blog entry via voice text on the apple contraption, this feels like blogging. Also, I am currently here in my sweet new space called the Mom Den. A redecorating project of love and joy and also sadness because it was the room my sister lived in for the last few years ( since we bought the house ) and I miss her something fierce. She didn't die, she moved to Nashville which is exactly 1,976 miles away. This room had to change immediately because a cold empty void probably would have depressed me to no end and Aidan would have been a wreck. Thus, the Mom Den was born out of so many needs. One being my own zone which I truly feel is important to a Mom. We can't even pee without company. So any area of escape if possible just for a few moments of silence and alone time is like the most cherished treasure. Not even joking. Moms you feel me right?

 So, I opened up my social world this morning and saw three different messages that caught me one after the other and sent me into a full blown ugly cry of overwhelming love and appreciation. I do not cry. But the words from these few, perhaps even in the order I read them, touched me so deeply I had the lump in my throat and the hot tears flooding my face. I am always a bit proud when it comes to my kids. And Aidan especially because of all his issues and um.......facets? He is multifaceted. Let's put it that way. But a fellow Mom from the trenches of special needs parenting was one of these voices and she full on fucking gets me. I send her all the internet high fives today because she has dealt with her grab bag of bullshit mixed with joy for 20 years!! I applaud that because Aidan being 20 years old seems like eons away right now. You are my hero too. Another friend from IG sent me love and kindness this morning after reading my blog, which led me to check my blog which led me to the above gal which made me want to update my Facebook status and I was left without a proper set of words to describe feelings which led me to a FB message of love and kudos which made me come back and blog it out. ::sigh:: I feel like I really needed this right now at this exact point in time. I keep swimming and keep up "normal" as best I can. I don't expect any pats on the back for doing what I am supposed to be doing. That is life. You just get your shit done and live. But every once in a while if somebody says "good job" it does make me weep because this is really fucking hard you guys.

 I have not done the lists in a long time but I think it's a day for it.

 The Shitty Stuff

•   I miss my sister so much.
•   My Dad is sick again. Worse than last time.
•   I wish I could buy Aidan age appropriate imaginative toys for a 4-5 year old instead of sensory toys to combat stimming.
•  Some lady in our HOA is trying to make us get rid of our Chickens.
• I put a few stress lbs back on 
• Money is the root of all evil.

The Good Stuff

• My sis is with the love of her life and her awesome future is in full swing.
• My Dad can still wrestle Aidan
• I am the wizard of craigslist and my redecorating project for the whole downstairs cost me less that 50$ 
• I am healthy. My Husband and kids are healthy.
• Most people are still generally good inside with good intentions. Most. 

 Also, I will be damned if anyone has a say in my chicken keeping. Good luck to anyone attempting to change my awesome Feltifarm. My flock, my business. 

What if you don't have anything nice to say for a really long time?

  A friend asked me the other night why I don't blog anymore. I told her I was trying really hard to practice the old " if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" thing. When life has been pretty negative I feel like I can get trapped in a pattern of just bitching my verbal vomit out here. So, looking back I now see that I lose followers and my dear friends start to worry when it's been more than a month between posts. Because I tried something new. Being quiet. For the record I hate being quiet. And for the record her reply was "Why? Just go back to being you. I people can't handle it. Fuck em."

  Though I rant plenty I don't air all my dirty laundry here. There are novels I could write about voldemort and yes she has reared her ugly head bad nose job and seriously questionable hairstyles a lot lately. But I am sort of tired of dishing out that same poop with a different scoop. So I don't. And really when it comes to her, I can ignore the things she does to antagonize me personally. That shit is laughable and sad. When it's the lashings out against my children I dig in with no remorse. I do draw the line there and for the most part she has been somewhat less than toxic on that front. (knock on wood that continues)

  Most of my frustrations have been with Aidan. My emotions about him have been right under the surface and without even trying friends have brought me to tears with just an inquiry. That isn't me. Or the me I like to wear out in public every day. It's not a me I care to share with the world right now in brief encounters that make me self conscious as hell. Afterwards I worry that perhaps I will be seen as not having my shit together, or weak. I don't admit it often and frankly most of you can see it clearly, I rarely have my shit totally handled but damnit if I don't take all punishing blows with as much strength as I can. Weak is something I refuse to be. I hate it. I can be sensitive and not weak. Except the last few months have me feeling helpless and in fact weak as I've ever felt. I feel small and alone. Even in a team called marriage I still feel alone. My thoughts are my own and I don't share some of the important ones enough. I don't throw out cries for help or posts for back pats. But I do need to write my feelings more than I have been about this topic especially.

  I am wholeheartedly afraid for my sons future. I am sad to think he may never marry. That he may not reach high levels of education that fulfill his happiness. That he will remain so simple. That he could possibly live at home for a very long time. I fear that I cannot keep him safe. From himself and his stupidly brave innocent choices more than any outside source of harm or manipulation. I have horrid dreams about this. His great leaps in development have also continued to show the vast pits. That divide widens every day. The contrast breaks my heart. I don't have to compare him to his peers anymore because he doesn't have any. He is his own animal of mixed ages. Regression is still present and though we celebrate the shining moments, the darkness in the corners collects all the cast off skills that may never come back but haunt me because I documented the fact that he could at one point do them. Let's just say I can't use timehop without feeling depressed 5 times out of 10.

  The stimming and humming has reached nearly intolerable levels and I crack after 6 hours of incessant sound and running. I shout now. Because I can't break through into his world otherwise. I yell "STOP!!" at him. And sometimes he will stop. Just sometimes. It makes me feel like a terrible parent to yell at him. When he is being a "regular" child and acting his social age (which is barely 2 and 1/2) I can laugh at the naughty behaviors because THAT I can handle with grace. It's Autism that is breaking me. Yes it has been difficult to live through these terrible twos for so many more years than normal. Yes it will be a relief when he starts acting 3. But my hearts hurts to wonder when that will be. Will he be 6 in body and motor skills when he is 3 in communication and social interaction? Or 8 or 9? Right now I have a 2 1/2 year old with the build of a small 5 year old and he can read and do simple addition as well as rote count to 200. But he can't understand traffic safety and would gladly stroll into oncoming traffic as you scream STOP.

  This life is currently too unpredictable on the spectrum and I am in the trenches having a hard go of it. It's hard to work. It's hard to be home. I am holding on really tightly to the things that bring me joy but I find myself shying away from interactions that could scrape the surface and make me cry. So most of my moments are solo. Which makes for a ton of deep thinking and soul searching. I know I am a tough cookie and that some people I love would like nothing more but to force social interaction to heal me but that's not my jam. And bless their heart most of them know that. So those of you that feel like your hands are tied and you can't help, trust that I understand how you feel and I love you. You weirdos who leave jars or wine on my porch are the reason I smile. Even if I don't say it the texted memes of crazy random shit are important to me. I really do have some of the best friends. I am fully heart eyed emojis all day for you.

 I do need to write more because this was therapy. Just saying words helps.

Work/ Life Balance

  This is the current status of life. I feel like I am prioritizing like a person with a new job should. But I would like to flip this cart for the sake of my sanity. Even if the portioned amounts don't change I would like to be on top ya know? What does your priority pyramid look like right now?

  Really I suppose it's more of a work, life, wife, mother and friend balance. To tell you truth I do not have it organized for shit yet. I have the work part down. I absolutely love my job. I get to nerd out all day about things I enjoy with my peers. If I took the people I adored from my times working at past jobs it would only be similar if Nordstrom and the motorcycle shop made a baby. And those are our customers too. That blend. All in all I am in my element with other people who enjoy where they are too. I couldn't ask for a better spot right now at all! So everyone cross your fingers that I get to stay there for a long while.

 Now try to add in half day morning pre-school Monday -Thursday for the boy with an early bedtime. And a dash of heavy workload for the husband. Pour in a dinner schedule that is completely falling by the wayside, two scoops of tween angst that needs motherly attention she just doesn't get anywhere else, a pinch of friend time and shake vigorously. Things are blending but just barely. I am feeling the guilt lately of spreading myself too thin. The gym has fallen to a back burner though I am still dedicated to my fitness ( 30 lbs down ya'll!!!! whoop whoop!!). The time to travel to and from the gym has become an addition I struggle with. I have to sort that out because it's part of that ME time I promised myself. Just because I enjoy my job that does not make it time allotted for me as free time. Me time equals free time, not paid time. I don't know why I have to remind myself of that fact but I do. Almost as though enjoying anything makes it less work which is soooooo not true because I enjoy my son and ohmygod he is a tough job.I miss my friends terribly and phone dates are even becoming impossible to schedule. Thank god I am not an in demand or popular social butterfly because holy crap I don't even know.


 So. How do I pepper in the things I miss? Like Bunco or lady dates or art ( last on my list but I miss it). I don't know yet but I do know how grateful I am for my friends who aren't assholes about the flake I have become. Life is hard you guys.


 In this same basket of thoughts, I have a deeper respect for my friends who work so much. And have husbands, kids, lives and social stuff to balance. I get it now. I am nowhere near the zen shit like you guys but I get it. It's ridiculous how much a no-school day can derail my whole life!!! When you get free and make it to the gym just know I am cheering you on. Because I get it. Eventually I plan to have this system running on cogs of magic and I will see you there. Hopefully soon.


 I do wonder how you all get from here ( total chaos) to there ( where you have some actual finesse to a schedule). Any tips are welcome.

Manic Monday

  What an amazingly emotional Monday. Today was our yearly evaluation with a panel made of specialist and teachers and autism experts that all know and love my boy. Same as last year at this exact time. I am scared to go back and read what I wrote about it honestly. I probably wont right now because I am reveling in all the glorious milestones Aidan had checked off his list at this meeting. The path from last year to here has been completely heart wrenching and filled to the brim with struggle. With all of those seemingly impossible hair greying stretches of insanity, watching him just be, not improve, not regress, but time standing still. There have been massive miracles. I am happy to say we finally have communicative speech at a level worth documenting with certainty of at least some permanence. Longest time period without regression. Real attempts at sharing and also showing patience and restraint. So many things to list because the pages and pages we all read over together as a group was just overwhelming.

 I cried like a tiny baby. Lump in my throat with both relief and pride through all of it. I wanted to scoop the boy up and cover him with thankful kisses every time his teacher moved on to another area of honest to goodness improvement. Each goal we made together as a team seemed actually achievable this time where as I remember feeling like "who knows" or "wouldn't that be nice" when we put pen to paper about it last year. I didn't have that same secretly pessimistic thinking I was being realistic and not allowing myself to get my hopes up sort of feelings this time. This is real. He is really doing it. And he is officially moving up the food chain into a larger ratio in the fall. Again, more crying. What I thought was a dark cloud called Kindergarten is really only a year away in the planning world. Again, more crying.

 I must have been a crying mess because I tried very hard not to wipe away tears with my hands. Mainly due to the newly discovered fact that habanero peppers will adhere a terrible terrible amount of searing capsaicin into your skin. Deeming my own hands weapons. I made peach pepper jam this morning like an idle handed idiot. So basically I added to my own tears. I digress as usual but the jam turned out amazeballs in case you were wondering.

 This meeting was one of the more important ones for me selfishly because this is the first one we walked away from overjoyed and smiling. As hard as this stuff is to live, it is epicly rewarding to hear the pride all of these women feel for my son and his accomplishments having also put in so much hard work and love into his needs. We basically all hugged and high fived.


 So raise your wine glass tonight and keep thinking happy thoughts for us. The good vibes seem to be helping fight the bad.

Marinate on this.

 I have been kicking around this idea of adding some recipes and how-to video snippets to the bloggity blog. Food is a massive happiness hobby for me so it would be extra fun and uplifting to share. I like to think I am a pretty good cook and I know I have skills under my belt that my Granny taught me from back when cooking IS what a woman did full time. So, that being said, I would love to know what you want to cook. What do you want to know? What foods to you eat that you wish you could make? Give me some to start with. Make my Julia and Julia dream come true. I do think I will start with a simple way to poach an egg because I made a how-to for a friend a while ago and she was stoked! Thus making me want to do this even more.

 I think I will attempt to dedicate Tuesdays to Food and my Foodies!! So kick ass recipe posts can be anticipated. Requests needed! Ready Go!!

Is that a wrap?

  I used to keep a journal. The spiral bound paper goodness with torn out pages and post it flags. All about Aidan. Notes upon notes of his every move. Over the years the pages turned from exclamations of excitement to worry to what I imagine a physicians notes to look like. Documenting observations. Not much else. The good side to this gloom is that I really put more and more into this space. All the magical round of applause stuff went here. And the over the top ventings went here. And that will continue. I decided to stop taking notes along the way. That notebook has been gathering dust. The harsh reality is that autism has paralyzed parts of the Mommy in me. I have a baby book that also fades out of happiness into blank pages. It has become harder and harder to write on paper with any permanence that he will read when he is big. I fear it. I have a baby book phobia. From his second Birthday page filled with a list of the guests that attended and a few pictures, that book is empty. Not because I became that mom that was just oh so busy. I'm sure that's what I told myself. But for the sake of being honest, I couldn't do it. Too much sadness in discovery. Too new and real to document and I for sure don't want his baby book, that sentimental thing you hand over when the kid is grown, to read like a doctors diagnosis. Just simply too much.

 This last year has been the best and the worst of it all. It had been like that part in Alice in Wonderland where the path ahead gets erased by that sweeper dog and she cried. When the path you are expecting to follow is removed and you have to find your own way it is crazier than what I imagine being lost at sea must be. Because on the path to god knows where, there seem to be more predators than out in open water. This year the path has changed from a five lane highway back to a set of stairs and then all the other traveling analogies I could possibly think of. It has been without a course is what I'm saying. Without that notebook to refer to it has been mentally easier for me. I can take it day by day without an impending seemingly impossible goal. If he gains skills I party! I cry opening about how it makes me feel. If I cry with joy it makes it easier not to cry in frustration and anguish. I told myself the important thing is NOT to imagine his future. That may sound so stupid to some. I don't know if I can clearly explain it. In my heart I fear that what I picture when I imagine a healthy "normal" grown man version of him will jinx things. If I picture him like men I have met with autism I feel ashamed at how my heart hurts. I feel robbed for him if he is dependent on me and Daddy when he is grown. I feel too many angry things about life being unfair. So, I don't allow my imagination to break my heart. No one can foresee the future for real anyhow. I just know it hurts when people say things like "he'll grow out of it" or "he'll be fine".

 This year at the age of three my son has accomplished big things. Like starting Early Interventions Preschool, reciting song lyrics, identifying his potty parts, picking vegetables, pouring sand into a container from another container, being gentle handling an egg, memorizing a daily routine at school, using picture cards to make requests at home, putting his books away, pulling up his pants, allowing me to cut his nails, graduating naps, identifying his family in a photo, eating with a fork and this is all I can recall from memory because I didn't take notes. I'm sure if I combed my archives here I will see some I missed. But all of these are huge because they are his. He accomplishes almost everything in his way in hiss own time and mostly just because he finally decided he needed to.

For the record he also ate his egg toast all by himself with a fork this morning. ::happy dancing::

  This year I plan to become the advocate I know I have inside. For other parents to talk to because I know I'm a safe place. Because I know I am so lost too and just being in the trenches with people who get it really matters. I have a feeling there are other moms and dads who feel the same. I gonna be brave and put myself out there to make some good moves within the autism community. Maybe I have a little bit of bareillespiration but I feel like I don't care who is watching because what I do is important. And sitting on the couch feeling sad just isn't.



 I have set aside the hobbies that fight with the current flow in our house. You have to choose the greater good when you are a mom anyhow otherwise you just feel selfish or bitter. But there are so many great things to look forward to in the spring let alone the whole new year. I plan to full on farm the hell outta my yard. I wanna feed all my friends with our bounty. I want to raise a greenhouse and expand my chicken run. I want to grow the most epic foods from the seeds I harvested last year. I want to can again because I loved every morsel and we wasted NOTHING grown last year!! I have never been able to say that before. The chickens are laying well through the winter ( even the frozen eggs were fun to collect) and they have become an amazing group of pets for the boy. He collects eggs and feeds them scoops of scratch grain like a tiny farmer pro. They are a systematic animal and creatures of habit. He can relate completely. In fact we have some farm pics and stories to post in a day or so. The girl had a massive amount of chicken stuff she wanted me to post so we are doing a full on chicken segment soon. I will try to space out all the goodness that has been sparked with my cup of coffee and a full night sleep. Crazy what sleep will do for a Moms whole being. When you are all up in momlife, sleep sounds so much better than going out. So tonight hubs and sis and I will go crazy with some jello shots and perhaps make it to midnight if we are lucky.







Happy New year everyone. Here's a look back in no particular order to some of the last year in pictures. Be safe tonight ya'll.