The seriously serious from the most sarcastic.

 I have been MIA lately. In blog, in happiness, in life. I have a few humbling admissions to make and I am venting for myself more than anything. But also if it helps anyone else in a funk I am glad to commiserate. I have been in a bit of a hole for a while. Even the happiest smile may have real life issues they dwell on when they lay their head down at night. Being a rock for my family has always come first and foremost. I do it like it's my job. Because it is. And then sometimes life piles shovel full after shovel full of shit on your doorstep and you can't just simply sweep it away and keep smiling. Sometimes you stop answering the door. Sometimes you don't want to get out of bed. I have been pretty deeply depressed inside my heart for a while. I will tell you why. And what I am doing about it. Mostly to hold myself accountable and make myself figure it all out the right way.

1. ADULT BULLIES ARE REAL. I have had a constant irritant in my life for several years now. Even the strongest person can only ignore so much and keep their chin up. Lies and manipulations for sheer sport really are things that some sick grown ups find amusing. Not all authority can protect you from an adult bully. Because grown ups should be just that. Grown the fuck up. Adult bullies have some screws loose in my opinion and really get off on making others feel badly. Its disgusting and shameful and I personally have been dealing with it from one source on so many angles for so many years that it stated to just feel normal. But in reality it is an actual stress in my life. I am not saying they win. I am saying they are the biggest type of loser. And I can protect myself by getting counseling about how it all makes me feel. And adults who bully should get help about their own feelings instead of lashing out and making others uncomfortable. I do know it must come from jealousy, self loathing, paranoia, and a very low self esteem. But that doesn't make it right for anyone to reach out in evil ways to contact with hate or malice. No person at any age should target someone with hate and slander. Even when you know for certain that none of the information being spewed is based on fact, it does not make it less hurtful or confusing or upsetting. It is harassment and some bullying can require legal action. If you or someone you know is a victim on adult bullying here are some links with more info. http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/adult-bullying.html     http://www.stopbullying.gov/laws/oregon.html 
2. EVERYONE GETS OLD AND EVERYONE HAS TO DEAL WITH DYING. My dad isn't well. He has been slowing fighting all of the diagnosis he has ever been given. His life has been so full of amazing moments and stories that in my heart of hearts I know he has lived more than a thousand lives put together. He has been my best friend my whole life and I would be lost without him. And so, I am already feeling lost without him. His mind has started to go a while ago. We had to move him into a senior living facility where he is very well looked after. I just miss him being right downstairs where I can bring him a snack if I want to. And I worry Aidan won't really have great memories of his love. We now know when forever is supposedly predicted to end. That is too much for my heart. Though he has been the man who beats all the odds has outlasted a few things so far, I still have a heavy heart about it. 
3. BEING A SPECIAL NEEDS PARENT TOTALLY BLOWS. For so many reasons really. I could choose any of them to dwell on. But the kicker recently is the wall we face with therapies. I have been  fighting the good fight and applying for everything under the sun to help the boy. But we are that horrible middle ground. That financial bracket that can barely survive right now. The crossroads of  "do I work just to pay for daycare?" and "We don't qualify for state assistance". I have never been in a place like this. When you are a single person you can make unique sacrifices to make ends meet or choose happiness/sanity in the way of forgoing a new pair of shoes so you can go to a movie with a friend. I miss the days that those were my stresses with money. Today we are looking at the dollar amounts for special needs swim lessons or gymnastics and feeling like it's just so unfair because we choose groceries. It's a constant sadness this category. I wish I could give Aidan the moon and I wish it would fix something. 
4. THAT MOMENT WHEN YOUR PLATE OVERFLOWS. And you lose your shit. And you cry. And you feel worthless and judged and weak and miserable because all those things point back to you not cutting it as a human. Sometimes you can't delegate feelings. And you can't punch some coward cyber lurking asshole in the face. And you can't make your son "normal". And you can grow the best fucking garden in the world to sit and cry in. And it still doesn't help.

 So then what?


You can dig a giant hole and get in it. Or you can completely scare yourself with all your thoughts and feelings and you can tell on yourself. Tell your husband and worry he will look at you like you are weak and pitiful. But he won't. He will cry and hold you because he is sad you are so sad. And you can call your sister. And know that she doesn't even need all the details to wish she was there to hold you and feel all the things with you. And you can tell your friend. Who will come over immediately and let you fall apart, reminding you she would kill anyone who ever makes you feel this way. And you can start seeing a therapist even if you hate the idea because you know you need an unbiased person to remind you that you are important and valid.



 You have to tell someone something to even start feeling better. It's the only way to undo the thoughts of all the bads and sads. I promise.

 If you or someone you know is in need of help for depression please call. 

Oregon

1-888-232-7192

Anywhere

1-800-273-TALK 

 

What if you don't have anything nice to say for a really long time?

  A friend asked me the other night why I don't blog anymore. I told her I was trying really hard to practice the old " if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" thing. When life has been pretty negative I feel like I can get trapped in a pattern of just bitching my verbal vomit out here. So, looking back I now see that I lose followers and my dear friends start to worry when it's been more than a month between posts. Because I tried something new. Being quiet. For the record I hate being quiet. And for the record her reply was "Why? Just go back to being you. I people can't handle it. Fuck em."

  Though I rant plenty I don't air all my dirty laundry here. There are novels I could write about voldemort and yes she has reared her ugly head bad nose job and seriously questionable hairstyles a lot lately. But I am sort of tired of dishing out that same poop with a different scoop. So I don't. And really when it comes to her, I can ignore the things she does to antagonize me personally. That shit is laughable and sad. When it's the lashings out against my children I dig in with no remorse. I do draw the line there and for the most part she has been somewhat less than toxic on that front. (knock on wood that continues)

  Most of my frustrations have been with Aidan. My emotions about him have been right under the surface and without even trying friends have brought me to tears with just an inquiry. That isn't me. Or the me I like to wear out in public every day. It's not a me I care to share with the world right now in brief encounters that make me self conscious as hell. Afterwards I worry that perhaps I will be seen as not having my shit together, or weak. I don't admit it often and frankly most of you can see it clearly, I rarely have my shit totally handled but damnit if I don't take all punishing blows with as much strength as I can. Weak is something I refuse to be. I hate it. I can be sensitive and not weak. Except the last few months have me feeling helpless and in fact weak as I've ever felt. I feel small and alone. Even in a team called marriage I still feel alone. My thoughts are my own and I don't share some of the important ones enough. I don't throw out cries for help or posts for back pats. But I do need to write my feelings more than I have been about this topic especially.

  I am wholeheartedly afraid for my sons future. I am sad to think he may never marry. That he may not reach high levels of education that fulfill his happiness. That he will remain so simple. That he could possibly live at home for a very long time. I fear that I cannot keep him safe. From himself and his stupidly brave innocent choices more than any outside source of harm or manipulation. I have horrid dreams about this. His great leaps in development have also continued to show the vast pits. That divide widens every day. The contrast breaks my heart. I don't have to compare him to his peers anymore because he doesn't have any. He is his own animal of mixed ages. Regression is still present and though we celebrate the shining moments, the darkness in the corners collects all the cast off skills that may never come back but haunt me because I documented the fact that he could at one point do them. Let's just say I can't use timehop without feeling depressed 5 times out of 10.

  The stimming and humming has reached nearly intolerable levels and I crack after 6 hours of incessant sound and running. I shout now. Because I can't break through into his world otherwise. I yell "STOP!!" at him. And sometimes he will stop. Just sometimes. It makes me feel like a terrible parent to yell at him. When he is being a "regular" child and acting his social age (which is barely 2 and 1/2) I can laugh at the naughty behaviors because THAT I can handle with grace. It's Autism that is breaking me. Yes it has been difficult to live through these terrible twos for so many more years than normal. Yes it will be a relief when he starts acting 3. But my hearts hurts to wonder when that will be. Will he be 6 in body and motor skills when he is 3 in communication and social interaction? Or 8 or 9? Right now I have a 2 1/2 year old with the build of a small 5 year old and he can read and do simple addition as well as rote count to 200. But he can't understand traffic safety and would gladly stroll into oncoming traffic as you scream STOP.

  This life is currently too unpredictable on the spectrum and I am in the trenches having a hard go of it. It's hard to work. It's hard to be home. I am holding on really tightly to the things that bring me joy but I find myself shying away from interactions that could scrape the surface and make me cry. So most of my moments are solo. Which makes for a ton of deep thinking and soul searching. I know I am a tough cookie and that some people I love would like nothing more but to force social interaction to heal me but that's not my jam. And bless their heart most of them know that. So those of you that feel like your hands are tied and you can't help, trust that I understand how you feel and I love you. You weirdos who leave jars or wine on my porch are the reason I smile. Even if I don't say it the texted memes of crazy random shit are important to me. I really do have some of the best friends. I am fully heart eyed emojis all day for you.

 I do need to write more because this was therapy. Just saying words helps.

I just wanna read your diary. I can admit it.

 I didn't have a real finger on the pulse until I just surfed around a shitload of November posts that all said the same message. Here was the list of coincidences that made it click for my brain:

• all Moms
• all actively appreciative of motherhood
• all crafters/crafty
• all self employed/stay at home mommas
• all sadly slightly fed up sounding about blogs
• all feeling like they are ready for a wave of change

 Me too. I have more drafts started and paused than I do live posts this last few months. My head swims with real life and I wonder rarely if it's blog worthy. I stopped reading a few of my favorites because the life went out of them and the DIY took over. Don't get me wrong, I am HELLA into DIY. I guess talking it out via tutorials is feeling played out for me. We really do have pinterest at our fingertips for that. I want to know you all again. Read about all the nosey personal things I love about you and your family and your pets even! I need it to be personal. I need my people. My real life people. I gotta feel like I could be your neighbor or at least crazy parent buddy at school drop off/pick up.I know I am needy. But I also know that's what I want my readers to be too. So if I am not feelin it, I can't bring myself to post it.

 That being said, I do search out the tutorials I need because I refuse to take my sewing machine in for service to be told I threaded it wrong. Again. So YAY YOUTUBE!!! Whoop whoop!

 I know my motivation started lacking when life got way harder. And when my feelings started to get too heavy and the comedy felt forced. I try my damndest to laugh in dark times. Or I might die of heartache. My wants were quickly being overshadowed by my needs, no, not mine, my kids needs. As it should be of course. Blogging starts to feel selfish or even petty. And real fresh air sound so damn good when life gets crazy. A bright ass monitor and a blinking cursor can't often compete.

  I miss it. And I miss you, my bloggettes that are feeling what I am feeling. The doldrums are real. I hope we bounce back after some of this novelty blogging fades. I think it will. I feel this tangible vibe though and I am glad I wasn't alone but the fact that it's a catching thing is scaring me a bit. There is definitely a happy medium. There is something to be said about actually enjoying the craft while you make it, with real people and not just staging a perfect set of photos and looking forward to the blog post about said craft. And maybe we should lean more toward living without having our phones in our pockets at all times, like the olden days. Maybe we would enjoy moments more if we weren't busy filtering and cropping them. A little digital burnout is trending.



I will go back to jotting funny stories and posting them when I have time. There are some waiting I really should get to. I'll try if you'll try. I wanna read your diary again. I can openly confess it. And when spring rolls around and I post pictures of my garden, I want ya'll to be like "Damn Girl!! Nice Kale!". I want to get back to the normal blogging we had. OK? OK.




Love you, Mean it.