The hardest part of life is remembering to actually live it.

 Last night after an amazing dinner of cheeses and crackers and salami and wine, I really thought long and hard. Lately it's been difficult to put effort into living well. I mean actual living. Paying attention to how the things you do make you feel. I have made a conscious choice to fill up my days with long work ours at my new job. I know in my head and my heart that I fully committed to drowning out my sad feelings. I worked the most overtime on as little sleep as I ever have. Even in college I think I worked less and slept more. And I had three jobs then. Anyhow, my point is that I knew what I was doing and why. Busy hands have kept my darkness at the periphery. While I have come away feeling super accomplished, now it's time to slow down a little and pace back into normal daily family schedule. And also to try to navigate the upcoming Holiday ( and Dad's birthday a couple days after) with caution but not dread. I have really been focusing on being intentional as hippie dippy as that sounds. I have to say it has been really soulful feeling like I am in control. Because we all are. Every day. But we go through the motions and we take all the things for granted. And a week rolls by and what the hell did we even do worth mentioning? Instead of grinding through work everyday in a blur to the end result of a happy hour next week, be present. leave a post it note on a coworkers monitor telling them something kind. Be that guy who walk on his lunch break and just watches life. Breath and pause more. It's mood changing more than I can describe.

 So the other day I won a gift card to a local grocer that happens to carry the most incredible variety of cheeses, and it brought me back to something I used to enjoy years ago. Just eating a simple decadent platter and savoring it all. Food is therapy and healing all in one for me. I can be completely soothed with food happiness. Some could consider that a problem. But anyway, this was a great example of remembering to live. When the hubs and I were dating early on one of our favorite things was to leisurely shop for "fancy" cheeses to try out. Bring home olives and water crackers and several hard and soft cheeses and a good sliced cured meat. And just eat. While a wedge of espresso crusted white sharp deliciousness can cost five bucks and feel like a crazy purchase, think of the time well spent enjoying it instead of the price tag.

 There a few things that will be changing in the next few weeks. My husband has a major job overhaul happening and it will dictate our future as a household. I am optimistic that no matter what the outcome we will carry on just fine. We always do. Through far worse shit than this. But it feels like good change instead of impending doom and I think I owe that to my frame of mind. Being on the offense instead of the defense is also a mindset changing factor. I personally hate feeling caught off guard by drama or catastrophe and it's nice when life chugs along at a pace I can stay ahead of. I will take time to readdress my bucket list and sort out what's worth doing this coming year. I will pick up a few new books and actually take quiet hours here and there to myself. Which I haven't done in years. And I will eat more fancy cheese with my husband and sip wine with contentment as though we were fancy just for a night. You don't have to be a millionaire to buy a wedge of cheese. But mark my words you feel like a million bucks when you treat yourself really good now and then.


 I cannot prevent my heart from being sad. But I can avoid living in sadness at length. I can just do the things I have wanted to because why the fuck not? My only limitations are means and mind. If it isn't insane or illegal why not try? Happiness is fleeting. Catch it any time you can. Often and on purpose.

Getting over myself: Shorts edition

  Last night after seeing the predicted million degree weather, I set my mind on the task of wearing shorts to work. This may sound stupid but I am not really an out in public wearing anything above my knees kind of person. I can wear khaki, black or denim shorts to work that are no shorter than three inches above my knees. Perfect because I am no braver than three inches anyhow. But am I brave at all? My legs are whitey white compared to my new farmers tan and I am self conscious about all the dings and marks adorning my thicker mom stems. I work with a team that looks like a cast from an old navy ad all joined up to be camp counselors and frankly I would put money on the odds that most have in fact been camp counselors. Our attire is campy yet clean at work basically. So this morning I search my stuff for shorts, select a couple pairs and jump in the shower to tend to the art that is not slicing myself to ribbons with a razor while absentmindedly shanscaping my nine miles of leg. Here is the inner monologue that transpired while I got ready.


Geez I hate shaving.

Good thing I'm married. hehehe.

That's so sad.

Why do I have so much skin?

This takes too long.

::out of shower trying on shorts::

Khaki makes my skin look paler.

How's that even happen?

Maybe denim is better.

I wonder if a rolled up jean short looks to young for my age.

Is it short? Or shorts? A rolled up jean shorts sounds stupid. Must be singular kinda.

I don't feel super fat in these.

Can I work in them? ::doing lunges and bends::

Hal: "what are you doing?"

Me: "nothing go eat breakfast"

::back to lunges but in my room instead of in front of the hall mirror::

I think these are good.

Hmmm, they have a little "fashion tear" by the pocket.

I wonder if that looks trashy.

::put the khaki shorts back on::

Hal: "what shorts are those?" ::making a rude teenager face::


::put on jean shorts and add a belt::

Fuck it. These are great.







I hate shorts.

Re-applying for real life. Because no, stay at home motherhood doesn't make every day Saturday.

 Today is Thursday but is always has a tendency to feel like Sunday for me. Aidan has school today but not tomorrow so it has that feeling of the last day of "free time" before a full day of work with him. I thought that blogging would be a good use of this time. Instead of cleaning if I'm being honest because let's face it, I loathe dishes. I hate to wash them. I hate to put them away. So, Hi. Hey there. I talk to you instead.

 There have been a few changes in this momlife scene. I have posted before about job hunting/pondering. I have been offered a job! details later because I am somewhat scared to put it in factual detail before I have all the factual details. I tend to jinx things that way. This is a change for our household. Dynamics are going to shift and my feelings about this are all over the board and the jury is out on whether I like it or not. Reality set in when I interviewed. Feeling somewhat out of practice I felt desperate, or rather, I felt like I sounded desperate. It was awkward. To me and not the boss apparently because I got the offer but still. So new for me because not to be cocky but I know I interview well. It's the upside of being an easy talker. I public speak and interview well because I am a story teller and shallow sharer. You get to know me sorta. But I like to be friendly and laugh and make it warm and fuzzy yet still arms length and professional. I knew I nailed it because she hugged me at the end of a two hour chat that was supposed to be a 30 minute Q&A. I will love it there. I knew it in my bones when I walked around pretending to already work there as I waited for boss lady to finish on a phone call. I like to imagine myself cleaning the dust that complacent employees have long since deemed unimportant. Facing products and smiling at customers already is automatic. I know what my strengths are and where I fit in. Whenever I have had that feeling before an interview I know in my gut I would have that job. I have never been wrong. I think it may actually set the tone for the meeting itself and make me just feel at home. It's like a subconscious harnessing of my chi beforehand which pretty much kills the nerves or butterflies. The whole experience was just what I needed. I cold called this place. I talked to the owner and asked him if he wanted to hire me. I got a call from his wife for an interview. And then I got the job. He actually had said " I didn't think I was hiring until you asked me".

 I have already been away from home more often because I am going back to the gym finally. A hiatus doesn't feel good I've learned. Muscles under mush is what I've become. Crazy how one can be strong but so tired. The treadmill is great but I actually came up with a tremendous way to get more lazy people into the gym and keep them there past January 31st (cheers to resolutions but seriously). Put a Oregon Lottery video poker machine on every machine!! Winner winner lean boneless/skinless chicken dinner!! I mean, I'd stay wayyyy longer for sure. OOOoh even better, coax miserly folks in with a free membership. Make all the money from the video crack. Amazing. You're welcome Gym industry. You can have that idea.


 New yard and garden post tomorrow. Or maybe later today if the boy is wonderful. I have fun stuff in so many stages of happening.



  I haven't done a word of the day in a long time.

Falsie  : When your child tells you a completely fabricated story in a tone that sounds totally legit. Example "Seven presents for Mommy. It's Mommy's Birthday."

It's not my birthday. But him saying ALL of that sure makes me feel like it is.( And then I just had the sinking worry about missing out on all of those moments while being at work!!!! Shit!!!)