Open letter to my eleventeen year old and her peers.

Dear teenager,

  This is the hardest time in your life. Adults should really cut you more slack. It's a really bizarre place to feel like you can't emotionally miss your mommy and at the same time be tough and strong and independent. Not a baby but you're not an adult. Your emotions and your hormones are running rampant and your life is basically a catastrophe. Your friendships are all being put to the test because all of you are raging hormonal idiots. Boys stink. Girls are motional basketcases. How on earth do we make it to adulthood? How on earth do we make it through this trying time in one piece with any friends left? We rage and rage against literally nothing but our own frustrations. Being a teenager is a nightmare.

 This is a time when you feel like no one is taking you seriously and you can say everything it's in your head and it'll never come out the right way. And if anybody respects you and really treats you like a grown-up you start to miss being treated special like a little kid. You're in between stage and nothing makes sense. All you know that you just want to grow up get out of your parents house yada yada yada yada. Also "when I grow up I'll be nothing like so-and-so and such such".

My dear teenager. Just know that everyone goes through this passage. Most make it out alive. And everyone is better for the lessons they learn teenhood even though it seems like the struggle is stupid. All the drama all the friendships all the arguments all the fights with your parents. Those will all be worth it eventually when you're grown-up. When you have a teenager of your own, you will literally hear your parents words coming through your mouth and your very own teenagers will roll their eyes and sigh dramatically because now you "will never understand what they are going through". That déjà vu in itself is just as dramatic as what you're going through as a teenager. I promise.

 With your body changing and all the things you're learning in health class being so disgustingly real, we should probably just give you breathing room to vent and try not to point and laugh when you're hysterical. Because even though we think what you're crying about screaming about laughing about maniacally being crazy about, is super stupid and pathetic and trivial. That doesn't mean it's not the end of the world type of important to you. As grown-ups we should try to pull from our memory banks and recall what it was like to be you. Remember what it was like to be teased or taunted for having big boobs when you're sixth-grader. Or be laughed at in gym class if you are a boy because you're skinny and small and in jock minds inadequate. The world is cruel almost all the time in different ways. But I feel like it's the most cruel to a teenager. Not only are things complicated, but dammit nobody understands you! since we were once just like you we should try to remember and try to understand you.

Sincerely,
Some teens Mom


Ps. And grownups, if were nicer to our youth maybe we can expect them to be nicer to each other.

Me-mi-mo-Momma

 The name Mom falls a little heavier on my shoulders nowadays. Not just because Aidan is a hellova job to parent. But also because the step daughter brought up how she feels about calling me Mom. It's a talk we've have several times over the years. I tell her the same thing every time. I don't mind what she calls me as long as she is comfortable with it. She had settled on just calling me Shannon long ago but every now and then she brings it up again and we talk about our feelings and our roles. From time to time I have heard her call me Mom when she's hanging out with her friends and it made me smile. I do know however that she has gone all red faced at school after accidentally calling her teachers Mom. I don't tend to make anything out of it and if at times the topic comes up it comes up.  This time she was old enough to have a more exploratory talk about it and really wanted to. No two people follow the same path in life but I do think having real conversations about life experiences is super important. When you talk openly with your kids about how you've lived and the choices you made, it makes them feel less alone on their path. You might be giving them a choice they didn't think of as a solution. Or even better if you are an honest parent, you might help them make an alternate choice by explaining how you made a mistake and what you learned. Showing you are human does make a kid more likely to open up and ask tough stuff. On this particular topic I had very little but I told her how something similar affected my own parents when I was about her age.

  I have a very best friend from when I was you and her Dad filled a major void for me though my growing pains aka Middle School. I had started calling him Dad and didn't think twice about it. Mainly because my own father worked long hours and of course, my mother and I didn't get along. Lance took the spot of my Mom really, but I didn't think that title would be a compliment for him at all. He was an ear to listen without judgement about my life and the dramatics and embarrassments I was going through. Neither of my actual parents were present for me or my emotions. So he became my second Dad. I never considered how it would make my first Dad feel and when he overheard me use his title for Lance, he was angry. Later I would look back and understand that his anger was really him feeling hurt, and slighted and replaced. Not any of the things I intended and those feelings faded for him. When he and I talked about it after I was well into college years, we agreed that I was very lucky to have more than the average amount of grown ups who really loved me and cared how I turned out. It's not even a step-parent situation but it's all I have that compares.

 After Hal and I talked at length I realized with quite a bit of admiration, that she already knew and sensed this would be the same end result in her world too. That she had in fact referred to me as Mom after explaining her situation when needed to friends and teachers and others. For her it isn't weird anymore. The only part that felt weird is that she could never openly call me Mom at her actual first Moms house. Because of all the feelings that she would cause. Just as I had. Only I didn't have the respect and foresight to handle my situation with kid gloves and I commend her for sparing her mothers feelings. She even mentioned that she hopes her mom will grow to feel the same about it all too, just sooner than college for her.

 Step-parenting books can tell you to say all the standard "appropriate" things but at some point you have to just listen and learn from your kids. I think she is doing a damn fine job of finding her own way to be. She is at an age where her thoughts are her own. In her own words " I like to just be Hallie. I feel like soon I am going to just get to be who I want to be". It does bum me out that she feels like she isn't fully being herself yet but maybe some of that is just the awkward tween puberty phase and I'm sure aiming to please two totally different households doesn't help much. I am proud of her for actively trying to own her thoughts and feelings. Some women three times her age aren't there yet. Her balance, problem solving and pro-active empathy is amazing to me. It's completely her own. No one told her to be this way. She just is. I know every parent thinks their kid is great but sometimes it dawns on me that she is right in the mix of being wise beyond her years and youthful but not blissfully unaware and naive. I feel like that's major for her age.


 I have always felt like I am a mother to her in so many ways. But it's extra nice to overhear her just simply call me Mom to her friends and not second guess it anymore. If I'm being honest, my heart fluttered. Being a step-parent can often be a strange place to be. You don't get the automatic credits that come with any trait deemed genetic. You don't get the natural points that fall into place with being a parent and sometimes it all feels a bit odd. But, when it's good, and nurture happens. A bond like non other can form. The person who high fives you most for being spot on and "getting them", is the kid. And at the end of the day that is who matters.

Life has no users manual. Here's how to wing it.

 I rarely post links to other blogs. So believe it when I say this is on point. And, of course I have my own stuff to add because I can't leave well enough alone. I have a few favorite parts like the one about how parenting isn't a contest you are winning. Really no one cares about that. Beating someone at Mommy-ing is impossible because everyone rocks and sucks at different things. You can only really lose at parenting ( in so many ways and then its a whole new blog post) and at that point no one wins, especially your kiddo.


Read and enjoy if you want to feel a bit validated about following your gut instead of a book. Best advise I ever got; "If it feels right in your gut, it's right for your baby. Don't let other moms or even some doctors opinions sway your gut feelings about YOUR baby." And boy did that come in handy a lot.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jj-keith/new-moms_b_1850227.html


I think I will write one for all the new step moms out there. Because there isn't a users manual for that either and it is new and scary for the first couple years. It's a role that will make you feel insane and self doubting constantly but I have found some honesty in parenting through my adventures with step kid. She was my crash course. And she came first.

Some real honest truths from one Step Mom to the next.


You will ALWAYS have moments where you feel like the island of reality in a co-parenting cluster.When the Bio parents are in it deep, sometimes they can't see the big picture and get fixated on the he said she said. It sucks. And, you are in the middle just as much as the kid. And, bummer part, your voice of reason may not be recognized. It's just the way it is.



You may be your step kids best friend. Because you are the closest thing he/she has to a friend that is not a snotty kid down the street and you didn't give birth to him/her. It's a really special bond that can be a double edged sword. I mean it creates parent jealousy whether they want to admit it or not. You may be the only one who "gets them" or the one who listens to feelings and emotions or the one who plays with them the way they like. I don't know exactly why this is really. I am guessing it's because you jump in at a certain point and get to know them starting then. No baby memories sometimes, no hanging on to when they were four sometimes. Who knows. It is just amazing and awesome and a very important place to be.



You get to do all of this. NEVER forget that part. You didn't have to. You chose to. It's a bigger responsibility than choosing to create and give birth to a person. I am serious when I say that. You are influencing someone elses kid. And periodically the parent you didn't marry will remind you of that. And you chose that too. And periodically ( hasn't happened yet and I think it's because she knows I know I am not her mom. We have that talk a lot. Because I am nothing like her and I parent completely differently) the kid will remind you of that. But you chose that too. It's a huge plate to step up to and it is most often a thankless job. But you get to do it.


Step kids are not baggage or a burden. They are automatic family. Most step parents feel like this. Most marriages to singles that see baggage, don't last. Fact. Look around. The Step community is growing and pretty well accepted.

Step parents do not really have Mommy groups. But if you have a Mommy who is in the same boat, hit happy hour and talk. You will feel soooooooooo much better and less alone. I promise. And you don't even have to talk about the crazy ex. The kids are the fun talk. With your single friends the crazy ex is the fun talk. That's where the step mom bond is unique. Find at least one. It is so worth it.


My best advice I can give is not to put your judgmental opinions/questions on THENEST. :) The blended family forums are not your friends. Trust me. Maybe I will post that story another day. But lets just say there are a lot more Bio Moms trolling for someone to yell at in there than there are Step Moms looking for social comfort. I may or may not have caused a ruckus. I may or may not have cared.





Back to the wee man. His new EI teacher comes today. New house, new teacher.........I hope this goes well. He has new skills to talk about and I really just need Deb or someone like her in our lives.  Wish us luck.