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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Growing up and not. All at the same time.

 Today is Aidan's 3 year check up and while I knew this was coming and really it's just another doctors visit, I was surprised at the sick feelings of dread coming on. Part of me had sabotaged filling out his Ages and Stages paperwork at every opportunity over the last week or so and I hadn't even noticed I was avoiding it until we sat down to get it done today. It's maddening the things we can't check off. It's just frustrating and depressing and I hate it. It broke me down and made me cry. As Kelly read the questions out loud for us to answer together I could feel the lump in my throat grow and the warm flush in my cheeks. I get so angry and there is nobody to be angry with. It's all I can do not to just throw the packet away. I felt bad immediately after biting my husbands head off  "Just check NO on everything! He doesn't do anything we ask him to!". And my heart felt all heavy and ashamed that I was mad. It's a ripped up haggard basket of very complicated feelings. I wanna drop kick that basket down the hall sometimes.

 But he doesn't do what we ask. He isn't a mimic. He hasn't the skills to retrieve things for us and put things here or there. The list is long. Is this how it will be every year when we have to get a check up? Feels a little insensitive. Do I really have to fill out the glaringly obvious signs that he misses the mark? Can't they just read his EI file and just talk to us about his health instead?

 So I am bringing a copy of his developmental file to our appointment in hopes our pediatrician gets the idea. I spend most of my days focusing on the things my son can do or on a rough day, troubleshooting the language barrier and general bouts of toddler irrationality. It is quite a bitch slap of reality to fill out the typical questionnaire when you have subconsciously been living for the positive side of things for the sake of sanity. Coping, I assume is why the brain just takes the happier route. It really does take more energy to dwell on the negative and frankly I am not sure how families could survive that way.

 I am sorry for the pity party but it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to vent.

In related news, Aidan is 3. And I would just like to point out that his birthday is on the 10th and Johnny Depp's is on the 9th. I am just sayin. Cheers to handsome Geminis!


  1. I love you Shan keep up the good work.

  2. I am also surprised that you would be required to fill out at AAS with knowing his diagnosis. Seems ludicrous. You have to hang in there and know that you are doing the very best job you can, which you are. You have to allow yourself these moments of weakness and doubt though, it's just so normal. YOu know I love ya more than my luggage (name the movie to prove that we are besties).

    1. Steel Magnolias baby, Steel Magnolias.

      Remember, smiling increases your face value :) God I love that movie.