Last night after an amazing dinner of cheeses and crackers and salami and wine, I really thought long and hard. Lately it's been difficult to put effort into living well. I mean actual living. Paying attention to how the things you do make you feel. I have made a conscious choice to fill up my days with long work ours at my new job. I know in my head and my heart that I fully committed to drowning out my sad feelings. I worked the most overtime on as little sleep as I ever have. Even in college I think I worked less and slept more. And I had three jobs then. Anyhow, my point is that I knew what I was doing and why. Busy hands have kept my darkness at the periphery. While I have come away feeling super accomplished, now it's time to slow down a little and pace back into normal daily family schedule. And also to try to navigate the upcoming Holiday ( and Dad's birthday a couple days after) with caution but not dread. I have really been focusing on being intentional as hippie dippy as that sounds. I have to say it has been really soulful feeling like I am in control. Because we all are. Every day. But we go through the motions and we take all the things for granted. And a week rolls by and what the hell did we even do worth mentioning? Instead of grinding through work everyday in a blur to the end result of a happy hour next week, be present. leave a post it note on a coworkers monitor telling them something kind. Be that guy who walk on his lunch break and just watches life. Breath and pause more. It's mood changing more than I can describe.
So the other day I won a gift card to a local grocer that happens to carry the most incredible variety of cheeses, and it brought me back to something I used to enjoy years ago. Just eating a simple decadent platter and savoring it all. Food is therapy and healing all in one for me. I can be completely soothed with food happiness. Some could consider that a problem. But anyway, this was a great example of remembering to live. When the hubs and I were dating early on one of our favorite things was to leisurely shop for "fancy" cheeses to try out. Bring home olives and water crackers and several hard and soft cheeses and a good sliced cured meat. And just eat. While a wedge of espresso crusted white sharp deliciousness can cost five bucks and feel like a crazy purchase, think of the time well spent enjoying it instead of the price tag.
There a few things that will be changing in the next few weeks. My husband has a major job overhaul happening and it will dictate our future as a household. I am optimistic that no matter what the outcome we will carry on just fine. We always do. Through far worse shit than this. But it feels like good change instead of impending doom and I think I owe that to my frame of mind. Being on the offense instead of the defense is also a mindset changing factor. I personally hate feeling caught off guard by drama or catastrophe and it's nice when life chugs along at a pace I can stay ahead of. I will take time to readdress my bucket list and sort out what's worth doing this coming year. I will pick up a few new books and actually take quiet hours here and there to myself. Which I haven't done in years. And I will eat more fancy cheese with my husband and sip wine with contentment as though we were fancy just for a night. You don't have to be a millionaire to buy a wedge of cheese. But mark my words you feel like a million bucks when you treat yourself really good now and then.
I cannot prevent my heart from being sad. But I can avoid living in sadness at length. I can just do the things I have wanted to because why the fuck not? My only limitations are means and mind. If it isn't insane or illegal why not try? Happiness is fleeting. Catch it any time you can. Often and on purpose.