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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The seriously serious from the most sarcastic.

 I have been MIA lately. In blog, in happiness, in life. I have a few humbling admissions to make and I am venting for myself more than anything. But also if it helps anyone else in a funk I am glad to commiserate. I have been in a bit of a hole for a while. Even the happiest smile may have real life issues they dwell on when they lay their head down at night. Being a rock for my family has always come first and foremost. I do it like it's my job. Because it is. And then sometimes life piles shovel full after shovel full of shit on your doorstep and you can't just simply sweep it away and keep smiling. Sometimes you stop answering the door. Sometimes you don't want to get out of bed. I have been pretty deeply depressed inside my heart for a while. I will tell you why. And what I am doing about it. Mostly to hold myself accountable and make myself figure it all out the right way.
  1. ADULT BULLIES ARE REAL. I have had a constant irritant in my life for several years now. Even the strongest person can only ignore so much and keep their chin up. Lies and manipulations for sheer sport really are things that some sick grown ups find amusing. Not all authority can protect you from an adult bully. Because grown ups should be just that. Grown the fuck up. Adult bullies have some screws loose in my opinion and really get off on making others feel badly. Its disgusting and shameful and I personally have been dealing with it from one source on so many angles for so many years that it stated to just feel normal. But in reality it is an actual stress in my life. I am not saying they win. I am saying they are the biggest type of loser. And I can protect myself by getting counseling about how it all makes me feel. And adults who bully should get help about their own feelings instead of lashing out and making others uncomfortable. I do know it must come from jealousy, self loathing, paranoia, and a very low self esteem. But that doesn't make it right for anyone to reach out in evil ways to contact with hate or malice. No person at any age should target someone with hate and slander. Even when you know for certain that none of the information being spewed is based on fact, it does not make it less hurtful or confusing or upsetting. It is harassment and some bullying can require legal action. If you or someone you know is a victim on adult bullying here are some links with more info. 
  2. EVERYONE GETS OLD AND EVERYONE HAS TO DEAL WITH DYING. My dad isn't well. He has been slowing fighting all of the diagnosis he has ever been given. His life has been so full of amazing moments and stories that in my heart of hearts I know he has lived more than a thousand lives put together. He has been my best friend my whole life and I would be lost without him. And so, I am already feeling lost without him. His mind has started to go a while ago. We had to move him into a senior living facility where he is very well looked after. I just miss him being right downstairs where I can bring him a snack if I want to. And I worry Aidan won't really have great memories of his love. We now know when forever is supposedly predicted to end. That is too much for my heart. Though he has been the man who beats all the odds has outlasted a few things so far, I still have a heavy heart about it. 
  3. BEING A SPECIAL NEEDS PARENT TOTALLY BLOWS. For so many reasons really. I could choose any of them to dwell on. But the kicker recently is the wall we face with therapies. I have been  fighting the good fight and applying for everything under the sun to help the boy. But we are that horrible middle ground. That financial bracket that can barely survive right now. The crossroads of  "do I work just to pay for daycare?" and "We don't qualify for state assistance". I have never been in a place like this. When you are a single person you can make unique sacrifices to make ends meet or choose happiness/sanity in the way of forgoing a new pair of shoes so you can go to a movie with a friend. I miss the days that those were my stresses with money. Today we are looking at the dollar amounts for special needs swim lessons or gymnastics and feeling like it's just so unfair because we choose groceries. It's a constant sadness this category. I wish I could give Aidan the moon and I wish it would fix something. 
  4. THAT MOMENT WHEN YOUR PLATE OVERFLOWS. And you lose your shit. And you cry. And you feel worthless and judged and weak and miserable because all those things point back to you not cutting it as a human. Sometimes you can't delegate feelings. And you can't punch some coward cyber lurking asshole in the face. And you can't make your son "normal". And you can grow the best fucking garden in the world to sit and cry in. And it still doesn't help.

 So then what?

You can dig a giant hole and get in it. Or you can completely scare yourself with all your thoughts and feelings and you can tell on yourself. Tell your husband and worry he will look at you like you are weak and pitiful. But he won't. He will cry and hold you because he is sad you are so sad. And you can call your sister. And know that she doesn't even need all the details to wish she was there to hold you and feel all the things with you. And you can tell your friend. Who will come over immediately and let you fall apart, reminding you she would kill anyone who ever makes you feel this way. And you can start seeing a therapist even if you hate the idea because you know you need an unbiased person to remind you that you are important and valid.

 You have to tell someone something to even start feeling better. It's the only way to undo the thoughts of all the bads and sads. I promise.

 If you or someone you know is in need of help for depression please call. 



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