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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Ahhhhhh finally. Here we go.

I am officially losing my shit. And I need a place to be me without being judged ( too harshly). I know the next blogs are going to bring my parenting into question. That's fine because I am second guessing almost everything I do right now. Normally I am a pretty private person. Even as outgoing as I am socially, if you ask some how well they really know me they may realize how little the actually know. I am really an expert on letting others talk about themselves and learning while I give fun facts, and light funnies about moments. Rather than being an open book with my soul out there exposed. I need special moments with trusted peeps to open up about things I may perceive as my weaknesses ( and heaven help those who pass on shared info in a mean way. OUT of the circle of trust to say the least). I closed up this blog a bit so I can let loose and say whats been gnawing at me lately. I know I clam up severely when I am frustrated. I do it to my family too. Husband, Sis, Dad everyone. Unhealthy. Makes me snap and flip out about something that seems so tiny to them but feels like the last straw I can stand to me. I know parts of why I do this. So to save my brain, heart and maybe household relationships I will throw it all here.

I will recap some of the things going on and catch you up to speed.

My son is in the early stages of Autism testing. We are now in the midst of finding out where he lands on the scale. I know every child is different and Autism varies sooooooo much on the scale that each kid with it has a custom basket of needs and difficulties ( and talents from what I am finding). I also know that an almost two year old that cannot obey common requests that keep him safe and help him learn proper behaviors, is tiring me to the bone. I cry a lot. I can't get my small child to listen. And I don't even know what I should be expecting him to be able to do. I am without tools. As much as this seems like I am being selfish and complaining how I feel, I am most sad because I don't think I am meeting his needs. I just don't know how. My heart hurts because I am at a loss. How to I talk with a boy who has no words? How do I redirect "bad" behavior with a boy who may not understand why he can't just pound the fish tank with a hard toy car? I am having a hard time watching him have no sympathy when someone is hurt or sad. And watching him play next to kids and ignore them completely on play dates or at play parks makes me feel sad that he may not make friends like the average boy would. I will be brutally honest. My heart hurts because my boy is not "normal". I am not too scared to say it. I know I will get past this. I know this is just how I feel right now. I know it's all early and that he has soooo many good traits and I know I am blessed that he is healthy. It is just so hard to parent a son who seems miles behind where he should be. Especially when he is so big and strong.

My education with Early Childhood Development is feeling like a blessing and a curse. It helped me see "red flags" starting to pop up at about 12 months and then my mental tally of his developmental checklist began. And also sent sirens going off in my head. But it has also made me truly see where we are and know where we should be. One big huge shiny double edged sword glinting sunlight right in my eye.

ugh. So there's that for this morning. More later. I need breakfast in my body.


  1. Shan, I am proud of you for letting yourself be honest about your fears and frustrations. Even though O isn't the same kind of challenge as A is I can empathize with the speech things and I can only imagine adding that to the other concerns. No amazing words of wisdom here, just an open ear and a reminder that you can always be honest with me... and know that I know you always try to do what you feel is best and right in the moment. You are a great mom and A is lucky to have you as his momma. Hugs... and drinks necessary soon!

  2. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I have a lot of heartache from my son's differences and not knowing what to do for him. Sometimes it even draws me to tears. Tears of sadness, and tears of frustration. Just remember that there is so much worse out there and that in the grand scheme of things it really isn't as bad as it feels. You are not a bad mom for feeling the way that you do. In fact, you are a wonderful mom! There is no better then a caring, concerned mother that wants nothing but the best for her child. XOXO

  3. My heart hurts for Little Man too. It hurts to watch you and Kelly go through this. You're not alone in this, remember you!