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Thursday, May 27, 2010

chin up. stay positive.

Well. *sigh* I have taken more than 24 hours to calm down since the appointment yesterday. It is safe to assume that I am still pregnant. It is also safe to assume that I am a tad irritable about this. I actually have not been that frustrated and angry, ok, ever. I have a problem with things I cannot change. There, I said it. I do not get my hopes up because then I can be let down. But I thought I was being all sly and hiding it. Like I was tricking myself into really feeling like it was no big deal. When Dr. Awesome came to check things out and NO PROGRESS SINCE LAST WEEK!!!???!! I lost it. I sobbed and cried and wanted to go home. I didn't tantrum or beg for a re-check. I just rolled over (as much as I could, darn belly) and bawled. I had not in fact tricked anyone. I was extremely disappointed. Aidans growing size is tipping me off the edge of sane, reasonable thought. I keep imagining having a 12 lb baby (he is already 9lbs). I admit it. I am terrified. We are at 37 weeks and now get to visit again at 38 weeks. Yippee! Being mute the whole car ride home and putting off the calls to parents and friends with updates did not make me feel better. Nor did laying down on my super comfy bed, face in pillow style like I used to do when I was ten and life was "unfair" and crying my soul dry. For the first time in years the aching chest was a sign of let down. I had in fact gotten my hopes up. Quite high honestly. And so I surrendered to the thought that this little person would more than likely refuse to come out before he weighed a metric ton. Next appointment would prove the same stubborn cross sitting fetus mocking me. And I would go back to my original plan of C-sectioning the little, I mean, big stinker out of there before he has a chance of destroying what is left of my body. I will remove him. At 39 weeks I will be able to do so , and I will. And then I can resume being madly in love with him again.

The strangest part of having a baby is in fact being unable to plan. You can plan the crib. You can plan the people who get to visit the hospital. You can even plan to make your own baby food. But you cannot accurately plan when the child will come out. Unless you have him evicted at 39 weeks.

It is now a stand of between me and the kid. We shall see who calls the shot.

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