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Saturday, April 17, 2010

I finally let myself remember.

Once upon a time, long long ago, there had been another baby. One that didn't make the long journey to be born. I have become so good at pushing it to the back of my mind because I know in my heart this time is very different. At the risk of sounding illogical, I have not allowed myself to worry into insane territory. I have not given in to the nervousness as my milestones in pregnancy passed the mark where she gave up. I didn't dwell when morning sickness resembled how I felt way back when. And when I heard his heartbeat and relief flooded me so thoroughly that I felt as though my heart would burst, I no longer ached so deeply for my loss. I felt a serious comfort in being given a second chance. For each month farther from doomsday was closer to really getting a chance to be a Mother, I was thankful. To be 100% honest I held my breath with every test and needle poke and ultrasound. Only recently have I let myself really embrace that I will get to be Mom this time. I never had a doubt that this was a boy, but when we watched the ultrasound to be sure my heart mourned a little. There is more than one reason I needed this to be a boy. I was going to name her Alison. And for so many years she was all I could think of. In a way losing her formed my whole life after. I wouldn't be where I am had I not had the life lesson. I am thankful that doctors can be wrong. I am thankful that I was given a chance I had written off years ago. I am amazed by life and it's wonders. And I am now, more so than the entire length of this pregnancy, able to let Alison rest and embrace wholeheartedly that Aidan lives. She taught me how to not take lifes gifts for granted. I can't express how excited I am to hear him cry for the first time. This is real and this is soon. And now I am thrilled and amazed and have butterflies every time I count the days.

I feel like I am being rewarded for enjoying the life I am living. For accepting what I thought was my fate. For appreciating a man that came into my life in such a serendipitous way and brought with him the added bonus of a step daughter who is in so many ways like me when I was young that it's scary. Being content. And happy. I have been rewarded with Aidan. Who I have no doubt will light up our lives with something special. Not only do I get to give my husband a son, I also get to give Hal a brother. I do feel like this is how it was meant to be. And so it is. :)

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