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Saturday, March 1, 2014

Pride, Patience and Positivity

 I felt in my bones that I was starting to let that dark side we've been battling get to me. I was letting it grind at my nerves and cast shadows on my mood. That shouldn't be how it is. Rarely in my whole life have I allowed anyone or anything dictate how I feel. I am not a helpless being. I am a light and happy and snarky but positive person. I can lift a friend out of a rut or shine a humorous " look on the bright side" laughing spin on most situations. I usually say " It could be worse, you could be on fire" because it's so crazy people will laugh. And the other day I had to tell it to myself. Because it's true. I NEED to count my blessings and be grateful and thankful for what I have. Aside from a good man by my side and  a daughter that is so bright naturally that she pulls A's and B's with little effort. I have a brother and sister who have my back no matter what. I have best friends like sisters and brothers from other mothers. 

 I have been wrestling with my negative mood as of the last few weeks. Basically the hits keep coming and when they are out of your control or feel cruel it's hard on a family. There is a major difference between myself and some of my friends who have had equally hard or honestly, harder things. They have God. This may sound sort of weird to some. I am a very open minded and spiritual person. I have read many many many books of faith and I can see the good points in all of them, But I can't seem to identify wholeheartedly with any. I like to hear other people talk happily about their church experiences or how faith helps their lives. I am jealous. I wish at times like this I had that light in my heart they speak of. I feel like the stress would be different. I have my friends and my family and my hobbies. My yard is my church I guess. I can lose myself in the wholesome ritual of creating something worthwhile out there. I do however envy the knit community of a church. My family was never religious and my parents offered all of us four kids the open door to seek any faith we wanted, or none if that felt better. They were both from church going families and from what I gather they might have been what is referred to as the CREASTER types ( devoted Christians and Catholics around Christmas and Easter only). I attended many services with childhood friends including one with my Vietnamese bff where they pinned a red carnation on me to symbolize my newness to the church and I struggled being the absolute only white person in there and also fighting off the urge to vomit from the food poisoning I was enduring while I sweated profusely wondering to myself why hadn't I just gone home instead of embodying everything Hollywood portrays as a white devil ironically singled out by a red flower. I did not yack, but also I was not invited to return. I digress but my point is that I have tried church and I have given God a chance. It's not my thing. At times like this I wish somewhat desperately that is was.

 As a conscious effort to fill my non-job-working moments with things that fulfill me and benefit my families situation I am setting aside my pride and asking things of people I never have before. I am asking for advice and so far have gotten some of the best feedback I ever have! Because I reached out and asked. I am asking for assistance, which is very hard for me to do. I have been the " I would rather live in a cardboard box than ask for a hand out" type all my life and have had to humble myself enough to grasp the bigger thing. It's not about just me anymore. Aidan is actually the one right now who has been suffering. He is in need of simple things like hearing tests, podiatrist visit to assess the severity of his toe-walking which can become a permanent physical impairment if not addressed, physical therapy for gross and fine motor skills, speech therapy for his delays, not to mention the swim lessons specific to special needs children that we are out of district and have to pay hundreds of bucks for if we want him to join, and my goal of a simple Zoo Pass for him to have outings this spring and summer especially when his school is not in session for long breaks. All of these things take the backseat when we are forced to be miserly and pinch pennies on a  budget. I just want him to have a shot a being normal-ish. I think that he deserves a fair shake. On average we can handle this load just fine, but recently we've hit a solid struggle and a financial drop off we've never faced before. So I am putting myself out there for odder jobs that take me away from home less, that utilize my skills and pay decently. I am reaching out to my community for a fundraiser for Aidan. I am slowing down to consider all the possibilities instead of tunneling my vision on the stresses only to be overwhelmed. And most important of all the things ever, I am keeping my chin up and making sure I laugh at the craziness of the times we are facing. Because this too shall pass. It's really only making the bond between my stepkid and I stronger. And reminding her of the knight in shining armor she has for a Daddy. Things will be better. I have always been a firm believer in putting good into the universe if you expect good in return. I cannot lose that. Everyone has a hard time at some point. Damnit, this too shall pass. 

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 No matter what, please keep posting your inspiring words about your faith and your family on Instagram and Facebook for me to read and be lifted. We don't all have the same stories or same God or same life but I do get quite a lot from you all. Makes me snap out of a funk sometimes.Thank you for that.

1 comment:

  1. First of all, thank you for being so honest and sharing this. I'm not religious, I guess I could be called spiritual though. Instead of praying when I'm in a rut I just repeat to myself "Everything is temporary. Nothing is forever". I know it doesn't actually help fix anything, but it is a good reminder. Much like your die in a fire thing;) I am sorry life is throwing you curveballs right now. I spent all of last year in a funk and I never want to feel like that again and I hope soon you can be feeling back to yourself and get the help your family needs. I, like you do not like asking for help. But once we had to I realized that there is nothing wrong with it, and a lot of people, especially friends and family close to you, LOVE to help when they can.