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Monday, August 2, 2010

I'll take 3am for 500 Alex.

Well let's see. Where do I begin. Lot's of topics to get through today, so let's just see how badly I derail off on a tangent or how successful I am at segues connecting non related issues. OK, so I had my first major nightmares about Aidan. I won't even get into detail because these were the kind you don't repeat in fear of them coming true. As silly as that sounds, you know you've had the type. Wake up feeling like you really just lived it. I had only had a few like this lately but let me tell you honestly that one was so very bad the other night that I couldn't shake it for the whole day. I had brought Aidan to bed with me ( because it was cold and I have blanket paranoia until he can roll over and not potentially suffocate) and my dream was so scary that I grabbed him and clung to him so hard he woke up crying because I startled the crap outta him. Which woke me up and upon inspection he had three little pinkish half moons from my nails on his back. I was horrified. I clawed my son awake. What a monster I am. Last night I sat and stared at him sleeping in his crib after I woke from a terrifyer. I need to back to my rule about NOT watching the news for a while. I just can't ( I don't care how ignorant" that makes me sound. It is too much right now). Because it makes me think. Imagination is awesome when you are 6. Terrifying when you are 30. I also walked around the house checking all the locks like a crazy person with OCD. Then re-tucked Hal in ( more for my sake then hers) while she snored and got back into bed. Sleep did not come back quickly. I am a bit of a haggard mess today. Maybe it's from watching Jumanji before bed. Hmmm. Nah. No lions in my dream.

Moving right along. A weekend filled with fun and friends we had. It was nothing short of fantastic. Lots of miles on the Subaru, but well worth it. I still stand by my notion that all our friends just need to live on the same street as us and we could have major block parties and no one would ever be without a cup of sugar. In a perfect world. Aidan is a super baby in the car. So good with the multi stops and and 456 people all fussing over his cuteness. Both kiddos slept like rocks that night too. Bonus!! The great thing is that one very longtime childhood friend oved to the same hella far away part of the state at another long time childhood friend who has always lived way far. So we can hit up both now when we go (this is now my new rule for all friends planning to move away. You must choose a city where someone else we know already lives. Gas is spendy yo ). Daddio and I also took wee man in to see our coworkers which was also really fun ( for the baby and for me too. I really want people to start to remember what I looked like NOT as big as a mack truck). My team pitched in and got the baby a gift card which I thanked them for. But when I got home and actually read the amount I felt sheepish that my thank you was so nonchalant. Holy geez guys!! Really awesome, seriously. Because let's face it, I like to buy him stuff. And if I have a little help with that Kelly wont disown me (or is at least less likely to). I adore my work people( I of course landed on the team with the quirkiest least boring bunch there. Where I belong naturally).

Ah, what was the last thing I was going to rant on? hmmmm.

OH! That's right. The ridiculous let down that is breastfeeding. Well, for me anyhow. I have officially stopped attempting to tap into my now nonexistent milk supply. I have dwindled down to less then a half ounce a pumping session. Total!! So I have decided to give up the ghost. There are positives and negatives to how I feel about this choice (or rather, how I feel about being realistic with what I am able to produce). On the bright side, I now have more time to actually spend with the baby in my arms while I feed him instead of pumping hands free and feeding him off to the side with no real bonding happening thus making the whole thing a chore and a bore. I can eat a whole mess of garlic and feel no guilt about making the baby smell like I slow roasted him till it came out his little pores (really gross and out of place when you are expecting cute soft new baby scented Aidan and you get little mr. garlic pits. ugh). I will know sooner what size my boobs decide to be now permanently (please stay big, please stay big) without the illusion of full milk. Downside, I will not burn those breastfeeding calories everyday (which sucks because I plan to add in the joys of beer. It's not that I drink a ton of them, I just really enjoy the ones that happen to be higher calorie). I have that little hippy in my brain that keeps telling me I let the baby down because it's natures way to feed and there must be something wrong with me that I can't produce enough for my boy (oh, hell, I can't produce enough to feed Thumbelinas child). The guilt really is the bad part. I do feel like I should be able to do more. But I knocked myself out trying every herbal tea to Ovaltine to beer to hot showers before pumping to trying to con Aidan (or trick him while he was already half full of formula and milk drunk) into breastfeeding like a normal baby. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Boo didly squat. Nothing worked. So I gave a very very valiant effort. So though not without disappointment, breastfeeding is a thing of the past and I am feeling a bit freer. TMI but seriously glad to not be leaking (though the was only for a week it was awful and I feel for the ladies who have that for a long time. I was embarrassed lactating through a shirt in public once! I may have died if that was a constant).

So let's recap:

No more breast milk.
Both happy and sad.

Family road trip was incredible. Family friends were overjoyed. Baby man was awesome.

Recent bad dreams. No bueno and they better stop before I need Ambient and start sleep eating like the commercial warns.


  1. At the risk of being annoying...Ambien. Which I can PROMISE is one of the greatest inventions on earth (for those with insomnia, and toddlers)...and I don't sleep eat. I'm just fat :)

  2. My take... Ambien GAVE me nightmares... so be careful!

    Try not to feel bad about the breastfeeding. Remember you are feeding your baby no matter if it's BM or formula. Also, the antibody properties of BM are really only for the first 6 weeks anyway. While BM may technicall me "better" than formula, it's only a smidge. :)